*** SCREAMING SOUND ***

Good morning - and welcome back from BTown. I hope you had a great time, dining with Marsha Brady and all :)

I thought about writing this post elsewhere, but then I had such a good day yesterday that I wanted to share that instead. I'm so glad I had yesterday, actually, since what I have to do today sucks.

This afternoon we have to take M back up to his Dad's house to get stuff.  Since his death, K's house has been sitting virtually untouched, but for a few small things M has brought here. There is still food in the fridge over there. Because his grandfather wants to sell the house and settle the estate, all that shit has to be pored through and sorted out. The only person who can really do that is M, who clearly doesn't want to face the task - and shouldn't have to - but it needs to get done.

Since KR (grandfather) insisted on being the executor of the estate (and I'm really glad he did, at this point - I had no idea how much work goes into this) this is all really his responsibility. But since he lives a thousand miles away, I guess he just expected that we're going to take care of it.  I told him that I would help M get the things he wanted, but I put my foot down at sorting and selling the rest of it. Not my problem. After this, it's up to him (KR) to go through the rest of it an take it from there.

Thing is, M is thinking a little more clearly now and he's wanting to actually go through everything in the house - thinking about things like Christmas decorations, etc. He said we have to go through the attic. Attic??? There's more??? I told you, this place is borderline Hoardville to begin with.  So now we're planning to go room-to-room, starting this afternoon, deciding what M wants to keep.

Doing this all day will put him on edge, I'm guessing.  Me trying to "help", by trying to keep things organized, will likely piss him off.  This will likely piss J off too, which will set us against each other and really lock in the tone. I'm racking my brain trying to think of ways to be helpful that aren't me being OCD, but it's so hard. I hate being in that house more than anything. I don't want to go through K's stuff. I don't want to know what's in there. But I can't just leave M there by himself to do it - he's 17 for God's sake. He has no idea how to go through all that and make reasonable decisions. He'll want to keep things like washcloths and wooden spoons, because they belonged to his dad.  He's not going to want to leave anything for the estate sale - as he said, "perfect strangers going through my dad's stuff."  And I believe that's where J and I come in - we have to help him make those decisions, which he doesn't want to make, which is going to piss him off.

Of course we don't have room for any of this stuff at our house, so M will have to get a storage place. This costs money, which will come out of his SS benefits check every month, which, when I tell him this, will piss him off. I'll have to remind him to make the payments, which will probably piss him off.

Why do I end up being the bad guy in this? Why do I have to be the one who's pressuring him to get it done?

I want to be a big person, a loving mom who will do anything to help her kid. I want to get above my resentment and just help him...but I'm really struggling.

I guess I know, subconsciously, he's not actually mad at me, he's mad at his dad. But that's not how it comes out. I understand that I'm all he's got to be mad at; where else is he going to put that anger?  Still, it about kills me when he snaps at me, and I want to yell ugly things like If your dad hadn't been such a f***ing LOSER, we wouldn't be here in the first place!

I am so angry at that f***er, leaving all this, for others to clean up. As usual.

But if we get started today, maybe we can finish this up in a week (we did tell him we needed to get it down before going to CA) then we can close the book. At least that chapter anyway.

I thought I hated him before this. I can't even tell you what it feels like now.

Grrrrr........and it's raining again today, so I can't even get outside to enjoy a little Vitamin D before we take this on. I'm leaving you now, on this awful, grumpy note. Maybe if I take a shower and have another cup of lovely Keurig coffee (even without half&half) I'll feel a little less hateful. 

Sorry. Thanks.
Love you ~
A