Maui on the Horizon

Hey,

So so tired today...didn't sleep well last night due to some digestive thing going on that I can't identify. Like you need to hear about that.  I'd love a glass of wine, but I know I don't sleep well when I drink and I'm planning to crash here around 8ish.  Tomorrow is late start, but JJ is grounded so he has to go to bed early too.

I haven't been keeping you detail-informed of my brother's insanity, but you know enough, I think, to know that his latest onslaught of contact (I'm sorry! I need you! I'm a loser!  I'm in crisis! I'm sorry!) is bringing me so down.  He wears me out, makes me sad, makes me hopeful, then lets me down, every time.  He's on another I-want-to-be-a-good-brother kick the past few days and I just can't buy it this time.  I'm so exhausted with his issues and the roller coaster drama of his life. He keeps dragging me in, and I keep thinking this time, he really means it. I'm like a pathetic girlfriend. Or wife. Oh, wait, he already has those. I guess I'm just the pathetic sister.  So much of me wants to tell him that I just can't trust him, but then I wonder, is this really it? Is this the time he really does need me to be there for him and he's really going to get his shit together this time? What if I turn him away and I'm all he has? What kind of sister does that make me?

But the minute I start to respond to the emails (two a day, at least) I just sit here, staring at the keyboard.  I don't know what to say.  He's on this I want to be there for you thing, this time.  OMG, like he's even remotely capable of that.  I don't want to be mean, I don't want to screw up Thanksgiving for my parents. I just want him to leave me alone - like he's been doing for the past three or four years, thank you very much.

Anyway,  just today I got three emails and I'm so tired of reading them.  Sorry to vent on you.

The job is still good (these hours suck though) and everything else is going well around here.  We're heading to Corvallis to spend the weekend with C, and go to JJ's first college football game - OSU vs. WSU.  WSU is where he wants to go to school, more than anything, so he's having a bit of a wardrobe dilemma. "What do you think, Mom? Should I wear my Beavers hat and my Cougars jersey, or my Cougars hat with my Beavers t-shirt? Dad's just wearing all Beavs.  I can't do that. I just can't not root for the Cougs, even if we are on the OSU side of the stadium."  He's killing me!! I'm looking so forward to this - it's pretty much the equivalent of taking a small child to Disneyland.

And of course, Thursday we have Stomp, for which I am very excited.  I've wanted to see it for years.

I'm counting down the days to Hawaii now (18 if you're wondering) although none of my efforts to drop 10 lbs have been successful.  At this point, I'm so whatever about it. Getting upset over feeling out of shape and blubbery while in Maui is not going to a) make the weight disappear or 2) improve my vacation any.

Oh, look! It's after 8! That means I can crawl into bed and either read Jodi Picoult (ridiculously depressing) or watch Criminal Minds (weirdly, not depressing).

Hope your week is going well...love you,
A