Hey -

Just a short note to say I'm sorry that your year is turning out this way.  Tough to deal with, I'm sure.  With any luck you will get a few snow days in there and not have to take your personal days.

Our holiday was actually very good, despite the insanity of my brother his wife. They did not spend the holiday with us but did have dinner with my parents one night. The rest of us had a perfectly wonderful time without them.

Today is J's birthday, but JJ has his football banquet tonight, so it's not much of a celebration.  He's leaving for a trip tomorrow morning and will be gone until Thursday, when we have a FD dinner to go to.  Maybe this weekend I'll throw something together for him with the hood.

I will call you tomorrow or Wednesday if you'll be available to chat.  Glad to hear you had a good Thanksgiving and hope to hear your voice soon.

Love,
A

Surival Mode

How sad is that, Amanda? One day back to work after four days off and already I'm getting in survival mode...agreeing only to take one day at a time, looking forward to next Monday off as my personal day, and not opposed to taking  a sick day or two should snow days not materialize between now and Christmas. This year is kicking my ass like no other has, or at least in my recent memory.

Thank goodness for those aforementioned days off and a very nice Thanksgiving to rejuvenate me for now.

Glad your Thanksgiving was nice too. Looking forward to hearing more.

Love, Barb

Getting Festive

Hi, Amanda.

I've got cranberry bread in the oven and I just lit my pumpkin spice candle. Later tonight I may sample the cranberry vodka I made last night to see how it's coming along...or maybe I'll have a pumpkin pie martini instead. I did buy that cinnamon vodka, by the way, and it does make the martini just that little bit better. Now it goes to eleven...

I was supposed to go out with my friend K tonight, but decided--since I'm living in squalor and have leftovers in the fridge, and a case of wine at home, and I'm going out for lunch tomorrow--that going out tonight was probably ill-advised. Yeah, I would have had fun, but I was feeling overwhelmed and like I had way too much to do, so I cancelled. Now, while my bread bakes I'm writing, and when it's ready I'll clean up a little around here so that when I get home tomorrow night I can say aahhh, and not ugh.

I'm really looking forward to kicking off the long weekend with a grown up lunch with my friend C after our half-day, and then to four glorious days without school. Yay. I'm having Thanksgiving with my family at my cousin's, which should be fun, although we'll be missing D madly. I know I'll be tying one on, so plan on staying overnight (and bringing bagels for breakfast the next morning), and the rest of the weekend is wide open for recovering--so what the heck.

Sorry to hear about your brother's antics, but am glad you and your parents are a united front against his divisiveness. I hope you're enjoying your parents' company and ready for a relaxing Thanksgiving.

Give me a call if you feel like it. Until then Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours and BLU.

Lots of love,
Barb

Why We Drink at the Holidays

Whooosh! is right.  Already a week has passed since you wrote, and I was thinking it had only been a couple of days.

It's been kind of a weird week around here. Football is over, so our nights are very quiet. I'm not complaining about it; it's quite nice to come home after work, put on my slippers, and know that I don't have to leave the house again until tomorrow.  I can undertake baking projects without being interrupted. I can cook real dinners. I can drink wine :)

My parents are coming up for Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to that.  Unfortunately, my crazy brother and his crazy wife have decided to turn it into yet another Jerry Springer episode by declining my invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.  The first email I got was a simple "No thanks".  This, while confusing, was just fine with me, considering I really don't care what the hell they do.  But no, two days later he sent me a four-page email "explaining" his first email.  It was four pages of all the things that my parents, his girlfriend and I have done wrong, leading him to this awful place in his life.  He went on to say that he's just fine now, feeling good.  Seriously, B, it went on for four pages of self-centered, blame placing, immature drama about how they're moving because I'm not nice to them. How it's my fault they weren't invited to T's Halloween party (huh?!) and how much that hurt their feelings. And then, how they don't feel welcome in my home so they're going to blow off their entire family and not come to Thanksgiving.

What the f*** ever, bro.  I couldn't even imagine how to respond, so I didn't.  Then today, he sent an email to my parents inviting them to his house instead.  My dad was beside himself with anger and isn't going to respond either.

I'm so tired of it all, but in the end I'm just so sad.  I have no idea what goes on his messed up head and I have no control over his choices, but it makes me sad to think that he is going to alienate even his parents, at this point in their lives. I can only imagine how hard this is for them.

Anyway, it's been weighing on my mind so much over the past few days that I really need to get out of this mire and get on with my own life.  I can't get sucked into his weird drama, and I'm never going to make sense of any of it.

So, my folks, and their friends who live out on the Sound, are coming for the day.  With the crap going on with my brother, I haven't even worried about M being there too, possibly with the dumb-as-dirt new girlfriend.  Yet.


Aaaahhhh.....the holidays with family.

Gotta love it.

xoxo
A

Whhooosh!

Hey, there, A.

In case you're wondering, that's how time is flying by. WOW.

We got back to school on Monday after a week off; kids joined us on Wednesday, after seven days off. These past couple of days have been strange and exhausting to say the least--catching up on all that time off and getting them back on track isn't easy. We will have school tomorrow (they took back our Veteran's Day holiday), but then it's the weekend. I'm hoping next week will feel more normal, but then we're onto Thanksgiving. Crazy how fast this year is going by.

C and I went out for a drink and some wings after work yesterday (we congratulated ourselves for teaching a whole day--haha!) and she broke down crying...feeling some of the same frustrations I am feeling, or have felt in the past. This teaching thing gets tougher and tougher as we go along, and deciding to leave and reinvent yourself is even more daunting a task than teaching, I'm afraid. Every once in a while the reality of it comes to a head, like for me after the incident with my Napolean principal, and for C after just a bunch of crap all at once. I'm still focused on changing the script in my head, and being open to the possibility of other possibilities; now I'm trying now to get C there, too.

Hope all is well with you this week. It was nice catching up with you on Sunday. Glad to hear JJ's team won!

Love,
Barb

Same Old Same Old

Dear B,

It was great to hear your voice the other day and I'm sorry I took up most of the call with my raving about Chicago.  I have to tell you, though, that I absolutely fell in love. I can't believe I've never been there.  I feel like I could go a couple of times a year and still be just as enamored.  Of course, I haven't been to Boston in forever so I'd probably feel the same way about that.  Next summer, right?

I've had kind of a crazy week with Boosters (why did I join the Board?) and football (still!) and trying to get a bunch of stuff done around the house/yard before the weather turns horrible and I have my annual Silpada party on the 11th. Tonight it was raining so hard and sideways that football ended early; when we picked up JJ he was soaked to the bone and freezing.  Poor kid! So dinner was a little late tonight due to a long, hot bath.

J is leaving for Pullman on Friday night to attend a retirement party for one of his old cronies there.  JJ's team made the playoffs so they have their first game Sunday and are practicing like maniacs this week.  He's still got himself in hot water with missing work, though, so he's grounded every other minute of the day.  Argh!

Not much else going on here other than work. I'm still kind of hating my job, but looking for something different is just so daunting.  I feel like I have it so good where I'm at with the perfect hours, location and daily job tasks; I just hate my management and the way the company is run.  I need to just suck it up and get over it, I think. I really do have it good, overall.

For instance, because of my job, I can afford to get a coffee every morning on the way to work. But you know what?  Today, it came in a red cup.  Normally, that's one of my favorite warm and fuzzy moments of the entire year,  but today I was a little pissed off.  Really, Howard? Before Thanksgiving?? Then I went to Target and all the Christmas stuff was out and it just made me sad.  I felt like boycotting every place in town that thinks it's ok to start the insanity the day after Halloween.  WTF.

Ok - off to bed. I hope all is well with you as you enjoy this week off ... or not??

Love you,
A

P.S. Did I mention I bought a new car last weekend? Car payments and gas on the Really Cool Car were killing me.  I officially entered middle age and bought a Prius V.

Totally. Love. It. :)

I put JJ in the picture as a frame of reference.  Otherwise it looked like a minivan, which it absolutely is not. 

Quiet Here

Hey, I'm here, but I know you're not, so I'm not very motivated to write. I have a long weekend coming up so I hope to sit down and catch up with you more then.

Hope you're having fun.

xo,
Barb

Baby Steps

Hey, Stranger.

Sorry I disappeared for awhile there.  The CKF is killing me - now double timing with baseball three days a week. Between all the running around and regular household stuff and just working part time I'm a little short on Me Time lately.  And way too tired to create it at 9:30 when everyone else gets out of my hair.  But...that will slow down on October 23 since baseball is a short season.  Then football ends on Nov 5 and we have NOTHING until spring football!  Yay!!

Again, it's 8:30 Sunday night and my uniform isn't ironed. Nor is my laundry done or JJ's lunch made.  But I couldn't go another day without writing, if only to tell you the highlight from this week.

M had some kind of breakdown, I think, on Monday.  He called me and we talked for almost two hours. During this time, he apologized for a lot of things, like "ruining our family" and making me think I was a bad parent.  Mostly, I think, he is kind of hitting rock bottom and realizing that living in your van isn't all that cool, really.  That his friends are loser stoners who don't really care about him, and that - imagine - his family really does.  He talked a lot about missing his dad and the guilt he carries around for having been so awful to him while he was alive.  He cried a lot.  Like, for the entire phone call.

He never asked to come home; he never asked for anything.  He just wanted to tell me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for having been "such an a*#*hole" all that time.  He told me he was tired of being so angry at everyone, that he didn't want to be that guy anymore.

He came over for his birthday on Tuesday and we had a really nice family dinner and hung out.  He cried more then, too, and told me how lonely he is.  He's trying to find an apartment but all of his "friends" have backed out on him, so now he's looking at a one-bedroom.  I'm not sure that's his best option, cost-wise (or regarding his mental health) but then again, he's probably better off without those people in the long run.

He's still the same old cantankerous, politically vocal and totally ignorant 19 year old kid.  He's still hell bent on living off the grid and bucking the system at every turn.  But you know what?  He has called me two or three times a day every day this week.  I've seen him four times.  He came to JJ's baseball game on Friday and stayed the entire game.  He texts me random I Love You's here and there.

I still worry that he's living in his van and choosing this sort of glamorized homelessness over what I would consider "a normal life".  But I'll take this for now: I'm sorry, Mom.

~ ~ ~ ~

Off to Las Vegas this weekend with the hood - twelve of us going for JD's 40th (Good Lord - someone still hasn't turned 40???)  I am very excited about getting out of town for a bit and this should be a gas.  Then, to Chicago just nine days after I get home! And for that trip, I'm even more excited.

This should make the first part of October fly by, then we start gearing up for the holidays.  Hmmmm...I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

How is everything with you?  Congratulations on the weight loss and better health.  It makes a huge difference, doesn't it?

I promise to get back to the page this week, although every day before we leave is jam packed with I don't even know what, between dentist appointments and Boosters stuff for Curriculum Night and a new  Foundation committee I was just asked to join for the Fire Department. Oh yea, and somewhere in there I'm getting the necessary mani-pedi, cut and color, and wax.

Love you,
A

Thinking about You

Hey there...

Just checking in to see how you're doing. You said in a text you didn't have a good weekend and I'm wondering what's up.

On my end, suddenly I'm "wicked busy" as our students would have said all those years ago, but I'm doing okay. I guess busy is good. I'm finally moving the scale in the right direction (lost five pounds since back to school) and I'm motivated to lose more now. Which works out..since I have 10 more to lose of the ones I gained just this spring and summer! ugh.

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about me. Instead, it's me checking in on you. Hope you're okay.

Love you,
Barb

All Things Considered

Hi, Amanda.

My, how fast a paycheck gets spent when you haven't had one in a while...and you need toilet paper and plastic bags and all those things that you stocked up on--in preparation for not being paid for a while--but now need again. Thank goodness I have my mother's food hoarder instincts, which produced some TJs gyoza and an ahi tuna steak in my freezer. Who needs to go out for dinner when you can whip up a little Asian cucumber salad to go with said freezer treasures?...It's not a very pretty plate, but it was tasty. And I got to eat it wearing long pj pants and a long sleeve t-shirt while a pumpkin spice candle scented my house!!!

Finally summer broke this afternoon after a wicked rain storm. It was humid all day and another day in the eighties, but when I walked out of school after 3 it was so breezy and wonderful...I immediately 1) went to the store for a pumpkin spice candle and then 2) came home and turned off my AC and opened my windows. Then came the comfy clothes and eventually dinner....Now I'm looking forward to the forecast of a string of fall-like days.

That being said, even if I weren't watching my checkbook I probably still would have chosen to come home to snuggle into the idea of fall tonight. I'm ready. This weekend I'm pulling out the crock pot for Sunday football and next week I'm changing my toenail polish color. (Crazy, hu?) (Woo hoo! Don't stop me now!)

All things considered my week has been a good one. I've gotten to the gym and made good food choices so I'm feeling better physically, and I know that's half the battle (if not more). Hope your week has been a good one, too. I'm around if you have any time of from the cult of kid's football (let's call it CKF) to chat.

Love you,
Barb

(Just) Okay Here

Hey, Amanda.

Tell me: why the hell do I set all sorts of goals for myself when I go back to school? Why don't I know by now that just being back at school is a huge adjustment? I'm exhausted!...but still doing my best to get back to the gym and make better food choices so I can lose these pounds I recently found. It's torture. As if my metabolism hasn't been the bane of my existence heretofore, I swear it came to a screeching halt with (dare I say) peri-menopause. Holy crap.

If I were struggling only with my weight, I'd be okay. But I'm struggling with my job and trying to stay positive in light of all the administrative crap that keeps me from...er...teaching; I find myself missing D and crying when I least expect it; and this whole thing with W has me in a bit of a funk.

But otherwise I'm okay...

Hope you're okay too and that all is well since our last chat.

Love you,
Barb

Me Time, for a Minute

Hey Barb.

It's a quiet night around here tonight.  J was dispatched to a fire in eastern Oregon and JJ's at the high school football game with some friends.  (Hello?!? When did that happen?!)

So it's just me for a few hours ~ not complaining. Funny, though, I spent most of the time doing regular old stuff like laundry and watering plants and getting JJ's stuff ready for his game tomorrow morning.  You would think I would just sit down and read a good book, but no.  I kept thinking how nice it would be not to have to do all of that tomorrow when the weather is gorgeous and I want to just sit on my deck.

I would be looking forward to my week alone if it weren't for the cult of football and the fact that we're now double-timing it with baseball three days a week.  This actually gives me a bit of a break, since baseball goes from after school to 5 and football starts at 5:30.  So I don't even have to pick him up until 5; I move him to a different field, bring him some food and hang out until 8:15.  Sometimes I come home and go back, but I hate having to go out again once I'm home, you know? I just want to be here, in my pj's, comfy and  done for the day.

Anyway, we'll see how long this lasts, because I'm not sure how he's going to get his school work done.  We made a deal that the minute he has a missing assignment, or a bad grade, or can't get up in the morning, we're done with baseball.   Wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit, but on the other hand, I love that he wants to be so involved and stay active.  I wasn't going to let him go to the game tonight, since his game is at 8:00 tomorrow morning, but most of his team was going and he so wanted to be a part of the first high school game of the season...to get a taste of what it will feel like next fall, I think...how could I say no?  My child is living an entirely different middle school experience than I did and I'm so grateful. He has friends, and he plays sports and he belongs to something.  And he's still a nice kid.  I would suck if I didn't let him go to the game, wouldn't I?

With luck, he'll be home soon and we can get to bed at a decent hour.  My ability to get a good night's sleep has been getting worse over the past month or so, and I'm so exhausted.  At least we have nothing planned for the entire rest of the weekend except for a little clothes shopping for work and baseball.

I hope you had a great Friday night - steak night? What's up for the weekend? Like I said, I'll be around so let's try to catch up if you can.

Love you,
A

Productivity Overrides Phone Date

Sorry we never got to catch up today.  I took on one of my summer projects (on the last day of summer, how typical of me) but I actually did finish it.  I converted C's room into a game room for the kids, sort of.  What I really did was clean out the closet and take a trunkload of junk to the Goodwill.  Then I organized a bunch of JJ's crap into bins in this shelf thing, so at least now the room is useable.  I'd really like to put shelves and a couch in there eventually.  Wouldn't want to rush into anything, though :)

I ended up over at T&S's for ice cream and cake (for no reason in particular) and stayed much longer than I had planned.  It's time for bed now, but I thought I'd try to keep on this "roll" of getting to the page more often.

Did you get out to the pool today? I hope you enjoyed your last day of summer too.

And we're not letting this conversation about W go away.

Have a great Tuesday ~
Love you!
A

Farewell to Summer Fun

Wow, Amanda, you're on a roll! Love it...


I must admit I have never seen Overboard, but love that scene--not one in the movie, but the scene that played out in your living room with JJ. Awesome. And I love the post about your top 3 college moments. Next time we talk we should compare moments. (It strikes me that none of mine are related to my major or science while all (2?) of yours are related to yours...)

So today is the last day of the long weekend, the last unofficial day of summer, the last day my pool is open. It's cloudy out but I feel like I should go; even if not in my suit I feel like I should make a cocktail later and grab my chair and go relax for a few minutes poolside. Said cocktail would be the hair of the dog...

We had my cousin's surprise 25th anniversary party yesterday. It was fun, but I was anxious--it's the first time we were getting together since D passed away--so I drank a little more than I probably should have. Plus, I had a designated driver (my dad) so that was the extra push I really didn't need. Whatever. I so rarely get to let loose at a party, since I normally travel alone, and getting drunk by myself at home isn't really fun. Not that I was dancing on tables or anything: I just wasn't counting drinks, and every time someone at my table got up for a drink I had them get one for me too.

So taking a screwdriver out to the pool this morning sounds good. I have 40 more pages in the book I'm reading so that will be the goal. Another kiss of color would be great, but given the forecast pretty unlikely. If you're free and want to talk, give me a call on my cell.

Hope you're weekend has been good. Thanks for the text last night.

Love you,
Barb

He Gets it Too

So I’m watching  Overboard with Jack, wondering if he even gets the whole love story component of the movie, beyond the classic comedy scenes of Goldie Hawn in  the water barrel.  I so want him to understand, to know that this is one of my all-time favorite love stories EVER, but you can’t tell your kids that, they have to learn it on their own.

And then, at the end, when Goldie Hawn is on the yacht and Kurt Russell is on the Coast Guard boat, and they’re about to reunite….but then there’s a coast guard emergency and they have to turn back…the Coast Guard boat starts to turn away, and there I am, seeing this scene for the umpteenth time, narrating every word in my head, tears are streaming down my face again, and Kurt Russell is on the bow of the boat, yelling at Goldie Hawn, and they’re on the verge of losing each other forever, what does my 13 year old kid yell at the TV?

Jump, Dude! Just jump!

If all my parenting mistakes could be erased in one moment, they just were.

If All of College Came Down to This

1. The first live book reading I ever attended was during my junior year at U of O.  It was held in a conference room in some admin building and I went alone, on the recommendation of a professor, never having heard of the author.  His name was Al Young and the book he was reading from was Bodies and Soul, a collection of musical memoirs.  He connected music to literature in a way I understood so thoroughly.  I thought he was brilliant. The experience hooked me forever on reading, writing, and being in  the company of readers and writers whenever possible.

2. The most powerful and beautiful novel I have ever read was The Hotel New Hampshire. I read it at a time when my direction in life/college was unclear and my relationships were uncertain. It changed the way I thought about family, death, diversity and courage.  I think it was the moment I knew I was a true reader of literature, that I get it, that I can read into writers' hearts.  It is one of the gifts for which I am most grateful in my life.

3.  In my senior year, I was short a few 400 level history credits.  My choices were limited by time and my own self-confidence, believing that I couldn't possibly pass an upper lever history course.  I signed up for something like 15th Century Western European Feudalism: Leadership in the Middle Ages.  Who knows what it was really called, but I swear it was that specifically complicated and dry sounding. There were only twelve people in the class and we met like a small book club.  There was a crap load of reading.  It ended up being the most fascinating - and the most challenging - class I ever took.  I learned about things no one will ever care that I know today, but I care.  It is one of the life experiences upon which I draw for battle when that awful voice in the back of my head says, I'm not smart enough.  I got an A, and it made me believe anything was possible.

xo,
A

Note to Self

Just a reminder...I'm going to write about my three memories of college that shaped me into the person I am today.

I loved our conversation this afternoon - would love to continue it over the weekend.

Love you,
A

Really?!

Dear Barb,

What a bust! I was all psyched up this morning to get to the doctor and have her magically fix all my problems (kidding), but after sitting in the room for half an hour, the MA came in and told me that my doc had overslept.  I had the option to reschedule for late this afternoon, but it's too far to go home and back again, so I declined.  For whatever reason that I didn't think to ask at the time, because asserting myself is not one of my stronger points, I'M the one who had to reschedule, since her 10:30 was already there and waiting.  Why didn't her 10:30 have to reschedule?  Why didn't I ask that?

I got in my car and felt like crying, but decided it was a stupid reason to cry.  I have an appt next Thursday.  Not a big deal. Only, MC would say I should have cried.  Yesterday, we talked about how I'm becoming my mother with the "everything is just fine" attitude I project to the world.  How I don't release emotions normally or regularly in a healthy way, so I end up having major meltdowns that seem irrational, or sobbing uncontrollably during Chevy commercials.   I'm supposed to practice feeling when I feel.

Uh huh.  I just can't figure out if crying over a cancelled appointment is "normal".

Mostly, I just felt let down and I don't really want to go all the way back out there next week to deal with this. MC suggested very subtly that I might try to quit drinking and see if it helps.  That freaks me out, but I know she's right.  I feel a gazillion times better when I don't drink.  Maybe I should just try to manage this myself and stop looking to a bunch of "medical professionals" to drug me up with super cures.

I took the day off to make this appointment, so I'm meeting K in a bit to go for a walk.  It's gorgeous and sunny out, so I'm sure that will make me feel a whole lot better.  We have no plans for the weekend at all; in a way, I'm ok with that.  On the other hand, sitting around here for three days with my husband/roommate (that doesn't even require an explanation, does it?) isn't all that appealing. There might be a couple of chick flicks and some extra buttered popcorn in my plans.

I hope your first week of school finished well and that you're ready for the year to come.  Hope to hear your voice this afternoon...

Love you,
A

Hey there, Barb.

I won't promise a long or detailed post tonight, but I've neglected my blogging long enough. When I signed JJ up for this select football league - the league we've avoided for the past five years, regardless of all the begging on his part and the nudging from friends and neighbors already in the cult - I thought I was ready.  Not.

When they said every night, they meant it.  They meant Monday through Friday, with homework afterwards, studying plays. They meant it when they said parents get involved.  What they didn't say was that you'd have to do laundry every night because he'd smell so bad you couldn't stand it if he wore that jersey in the car with you. That he would need a full meal at 4:00 before practice and then another one at 8:45 after practice.  And a shower.  And then he'd need to talk about practice for awhile before you could get any time to yourself. Which you wouldn't have, as a mom, because you'd probably be going through menopause and you'd be all kinds of a beotch most of the day, so you'd have to take drugs just to get to sleep at night.

But whether I meant to drink the KoolAid or not, I think I did.

To be honest, I don't totally hate it.  Ok, I'm not crazy about sitting through the two hour practices on the flimsy bleachers, particularly when I'm surrounded by a passel of 8th grade girls oohing and ahhing and being 8th grade girls.  But after our huge win on Sunday, at the first game of the season, I was officially inducted. It was a blast.  I think I'm a Football Mom.

The downside, though, is that I'm gone every night of the week, and the few hours between work and football are taken up with all the other stuff I don't get done.  And naps, sometimes, when I can squeeze them in, because I really am struggling with hormonal s**t.

I also joined the Boosters Board at the middle school, so I've been busy with that getting ready for school to start. Sometimes I wish I knew how to say no, but what I really wish for is the ability to cope with a normal, manageable To Do List, which is truly what I have. It shouldn't be this overwhelming, but I am having such a hard time.  I'm going to see the Dr on Friday to get the results of my hormone testing, and to find out if I can start HRT.  I just want someone to make this better.

I don't mean this as an excuse for not writing, because MC says if I wrote I would be able to cope better.  If I weren't so tired, I swear I would.

I hope all is well with you and that the year is starting off right. Glad to hear you made it through the hurricane ok.

Love you,
A

Yawn

Hi, Amanda,

With back-to-school looming around the corner, I am certain to regret my recent schedule shift of staying up late and sleeping in, but oh-well. The girls were here for two overnights (Saturday and Sunday), and teenage girls just don't go to bed early. Rather, they giggle till well after midnight (closer to 2) and keep their auntie up as they do. And now auntie is a little out of whack....but so happy to have had them. We didn't do much but hang out (and I cooked three favorite meals for them), but I know time is precious and they won't be sleeping over much longer. Take J...

Monday morning we all went to my mother's for brunch as a send-off for J, who left for college afterward. I wasn't going to cry, but really....what was I thinking? I was THE FIRST to cry, over my eggs in fact. He's in NYC so not far away, but it's just one of those monumental moments that comes with a host of emotions--especially for a family of cry babies like mine.

Afterward, I was able to decompress at the beach, my last beach day of the summer. I took S home and  my sister and C met up with us at their beach, and then my brother-in-law joined us at dinner time. It was a gorgeous day and beautiful sunset and the perfect beginning of my last week of vacation, which I am clearly trying to enjoy to the fullest, until wee hours of the morning. Go, me!

Hope you are doing well. (Is J home? How did the party go? Did the weather deliver?) Would love to catch up this week if you can.

Love,
Barb

Positive Energy

Hey, Barb.

It is odd, the timing of W's news.  Yet another affirmation of our belief that all of our energy is connected, and everything happens the way it should, in the grand scheme of things.  I love that you were able to mourn, breathe and let go. The more we do it, the easier it gets, and the better we feel.  I'm glad we are both learning to dismiss the idea that sadness and depression = compassion and love. When D was very ill, you wrote (or said, I can't remember) something about not wasting her precious moments with your tears, and that really stuck with me. No amount of our personal grief will improve the situation, and, in fact, often makes it worse.

Still, this is awful for W and is more for you to think about. Sorry :(

You know what I love even more than the letting go? I smiled to see that you took the time to cook a beautiful dinner and enjoy it with a glass of wine.  Will I get there someday? Will I move beyond the Drive Through Fix in those moments of stress?  I hope so.

~

My late night at football last night worked out well for sleeping. I was soooooo tired by the time I took my Ambien that I didn't have a chance. Today, though, it's gloomy and gray, so my motivation level isn't what I had hoped. The promise of a weekend in the 80s is helping, and having a huge list to tackle for TK's party will get my butt in gear, but for the moment I'm allowing myself to whittle away the morning doing....not much at all.  Making lists. Not beating myself up for not doing anything.

I'm going back to work on Monday, to my same schedule for awhile.  In the middle of September I will move to an even better schedule and we will be moving into our new clinic, which will be nice.  I get to work 7:30-12:30 on the main floor with my good friend KD and I'm really looking forward to the change.  And getting my paycheck back. My decision to go back earlier than planned, though, has kind of moved everything into GO mode; how is it I just had four weeks off and not one single project on my summer list got completed? Wait, not even one of them got started!!  Grrrrr.


Alright...I'm ready to motor.  Enjoy your lunch and your day!
Love you
A

Pity Party

Hi, Amanda.

How weird was that? Less than an hour after you and I hung up I heard from W with that latest news. Whoa. Careful what you "wish" for...or at least make sure you include details. I certainly didn't mean that I was ready to begin to bring our relationship to a successful conclusion at that moment, while I was sitting by the pool trying to finish my Kindle loaner. But I suppose the matter is more urgent than I originally thought...UGH.

Eventually, after a few tears and a few texts with you and my other BFFs, I was able to get back to the book and finish it as planned. One thing I have learned to do over these last couple of years is let go. I could sit and dwell about D (as I sometimes did) (all day) or have my moment and let go. My dwelling wasn't going to take away her cancer; I had to learn to power through, and maybe compartmentalize a little. I wasn't always good at it, but I was always aware that there was something inherently wrong with "wasting" my days mired in despair while D's days were numbered, none to waste on the luxury of sadness.

I suppose that's the instinct that kicked in this afternoon. I could do nothing about the latest doctor recommendations or how W was feeling 100 miles away, so I shared with my friends (that always makes me feel better), said my prayers, took my deep breaths and let go.

After finishing the book (which meant moving in the shade for the last hour or so) I came in. I made myself a little Caprese, and plated it with olives and a few shrimp I boiled yesterday, and poured a glass of wine. I sat down to write and snack after a quick shower and am oh-so-content. I haven't had many of this kind pool day this summer and--as you would say--I'm enjoying the sh*t out of it. I have chicken marinating for dinner (doing the Greek thing again) but I'm not sure I'll be hungry enough to eat it. I'll go ahead and make it anyway, and try to enjoy the rest of this Barb Spa day.

Can't wait for you to enjoy one with me next year...

Thanks for listening, and for being there. As always.

Love you,
Barb

A Little Gloomy

The Pink Door!...gorgeous plate...I'm so glad you were able to connect with your friend while she's in Seattle (and that you have other plans coming up). I hardly remember that we had actually narrowed down a week for you to be here before everything just went a little crazy and I feel bad that you aren't here now that you mention it, but it also seems to have worked out for the best for you. J was able to come out at a moment's notice (his poor mom!), and you were able to have that lovely lunch at the Pink Door. And truth be told, I am S.P.E.N.T. so I'm not sure I'd be a great hostess...

Ugh. This is it for me: the last two weeks of vacation. I am so tired I can't imagine being able to refuel in these last days so that I can start the year refreshed. I know that in part I am so tired because I'm depressed, but knowing why doesn't make me less tired. I also know it would help my energy level to get back to the gym and start WW again, but it hardly seems possible to do everything I need to do during these last two weeks AND try to bring up my energy level AND still feel like I'm "on vacation"...so I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed too. Maybe going back to work and having structure will be the best thing for me after all...but for now I want to whine about it....hope you don't mind.

It's rainy here today so I have been given an opportunity to tackle a project or two....let's see how it goes. D's daughter is coming for an overnight (dinner, shopping and a pool day) tomorrow to Wednesday, so that's a little extra motivation, but beyond getting guest-ready (those closets I told you about) all bets are off. I do have to take a drive out to school  this morning though, so I'm thinking that gives me a pass on all other intentions. No?

I'd love to chat again some night this week, so let me know what works for you. Other than tomorrow night, I should be free.

Thanks for such a positive post!

Love you,
Barb

Cannon Ball

Leaning tower of eggplant, heirloom tomatoes, tapanade & goat cheese...at The Pink Door!

Thanks for jumping in. I've been meaning to for days and find myself with not much to say, due to the fact that nothing was really happening around here.  Well, until Friday that is.

We got a call from C late Thursday night to tell us that J's mom had fallen and broken her knee. Unfortunately, C and the rest of the family were out of town on vacation (together) and had a six hour drive to return home in time to meet with the orthopedic surgeon Friday morning.  At 89, Mom won't hear a word the doctor says, but she'll nod her head anyway and won't ask any questions.  J decided to fly out Friday afternoon to help the family, so I skipped out on my shopping day with the girls and saw him off at the airport instead.  So far, the knee surgery went very well and recovery is going perfectly.  She's going into a rehab facility on Tuesday - after her sister's funeral, if you can believe that.  J's aunt died last Tuesday.  They're a little worried about depression but Mom seems to be doing well.

He'll be gone for a week then I may go back for a bit to help her out when she goes home.  If so...maybe you and I can put something together on my way home.   We'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted.

Friday, K, S and I had a day in the city planned to include a trip to Whole Foods, lunch at Cafe Flora (vegetarian heaven) and a stroll through Nordstrom and Macys at the mall.  As it turned out, JJ and I took J to the airport then I coerced him into going to Nordstrom anyway because I had to return some shoes.  We had such a good day after all - shoe shopping (we both got new shoes) Mexican food lunch and listening to the Comedy Channel, laughing our butts off, all the way home in the car.  I love my kid.  He's just fun with a capital F, and he makes me laugh like no one else. Sure, it's 8th grade boy humor, but it kills me.  He's at that age where he's really developing a sense of humor, using irony and sarcasm appropriately and knowing when and where to hit the punch line.  I love it.

Saturday morning, I had an unexpected visit to the city.  My high school friend, LC, who lives in Chicago, happened to be in town and since I was supposed to be in CT this week, I completely forgot she was going to be here.  Thursday, she posted a picture of herself in Seattle on FB which reminded me that I had never told her I wasn't leaving town.  Fortunately, in the midst of her busy week (they're here to celebrate her parents' 50th) she had a couple of hours yesterday to meet me for lunch at The Pink Door (!). Kind of a long story but we don't know each other very well at all (we weren't close in HS) other than through FBing the past couple of years.  I know FB gets a lot of flack, but we had developed a good enough rapport on line that we absolutely couldn't shut up the entire afternoon and I left feeling as though I had a brand new, dear friend.  The cool thing is that she's the one with whom I was planning to stay while in Chicago in October, so now I'm looking forward to my trip even more.  AND, her parents live in Scottsdale, and we are both going to be in AZ for Thanksgiving! So we're planning a get together there too.

Anyway, I had such an awesome time visiting with her and being in the city. I got home later in the afternoon and did absolutely nothing until about 5:00, when I whipped up a pasta salad for no reason at all (so unlike me, I don't know what happened!)  Around 6:30 S showed up with all the kids and the two of us bbq'd burgers and brats and drank an entire bottle of Trader Joe's Reserve Zin (yum!) on my back deck.  We sat out there talking until we were freezing (still not summer here) then came in and yakked until almost 11 with the boys running and yelling all around us.  I didn't even care that they were all over the furniture with guns and shoes on; I was having a moment of pure gratitude that I had good friends, healthy kids and such a good life.  It was a wonderful day.

Today, a baseball game with JJ and his buddy.  K&R are joining us, so that should be fun.  Too bad it's not warm, or sunny, but I'll be ok if the rain just holds out.

So how's that for jumping in?!

I hope you had a great weekend in Boston; we need to catch up on other stuff when you get home. Like, how is W doing? I have a pretty quiet week with J gone until Friday.

Talk to you soon,
Love you,
A

Take the Plunge!

Hey there!

I'm so glad we had a chance to catch up the other day (I think we were on the phone for 2 hours!); we certainly were out of touch. I hope we can move forward and stay in touch by writing a little more...please?...

I'm of to Boston this morning and will be home Sunday night. I don't know what you have going on this weekend, but it would be great to find a line or two here from you when I get back.

Have a good weekend.

Love,

Barb

PS This is the lemon rosemary chicken/Greek plate that I made for dinner the other night that I told you about.

Shame on Us!

June 28????....Really???...

Looks like we both need to sit down at the keyboard a little more often.

I'll attempt a better/more substantial post later, but for now just wanted to say hi, sorry I've been so out of touch and neglectful of our blog.

xo,
Barb

A Little Down Time?

Good morning, Barb.

I sent my boys off today on their first father-son road trip, which, to my surprise, brought tears to my eyes.  I've been so looking forward to a few days to myself before flying out to meet them on Friday night, and so grateful that I don't have to spend two long days hauling a trailer (and sleeping in it). Then I'm standing there on the driveway at 8:00 in the morning and the two of them are as excited as little kids at Christmas, and I suddenly wanted to call in sick and hop in the truck with them.

Then it passed. Phew! 

I still have two hours before I have to be at work, and Monday is already over, so I'm in a pretty good mood.  I have plants to water and some time to enjoy my coffee on my deck before showering and heading out. This week will be/started out crazy at work as we have a new provider and a total scheduling nightmare playing out, but we kind of got in the groove yesterday so hopefully today will go a little more smoothly.  That, and I bought a 3lb bag of fun size candy bars at Costco to bring in today.

The rest of the week I don't have much planned other than getting my nails done, the house a little cleaned up and maybe a movie/dinner with M before I leave.  He (M) decided that he was going to stay home all week and "keep me company".  I find this sweet, if completely weird, since he's never here, and rarely spends time with us.  He's in a tough spot right now though, as both of his vehicles have gone TU and he's going to have a challenge getting around until at least one of them gets out of the shop.  So maybe it's not really quality time, but I'll take it.

I should be home after work during the week, depending on how many last-minutt errands I come up with before leaving, so hopefully we can talk a little before I go.  Otherwise, I will have my cell with me while I'm gone and I'm pretty sure there will be a moment in there with the Crazy Family that I need the voice of sanity and reason in my ear to talk me down. :)

I hope you're enjoying your first week of freedom and that the sun is being good to you,

Love you,

A

FINALLY ON VACATION!!!

Oh my god, Amanda. I thought this year would never end. Those two days after final exams nearly killed me...not literally, of course, but my spirit was definitely broken. Getting grades done on Wednesday was so anticlimactic and having to sit through workshops was painful. But finally I'm done!

I stopped to eat on my way home yesterday (and skipped my weekly steak) then came home exhausted. I went to bed early and slept later than I have in months. This morning I'm enjoying my coffee and looking up recipes and watching TV and getting into vacation mode...

As you know I have plans to clean today (my place is a disaster area) after I get motivated (mimosas may help) and make myself some seared ahi tuna for dinner. Other than that I look forward to talking to you today, even though we need to talk about doing your east coast visit another time, maybe next year. :(

Anyway, call when you can.
Love you,
Barb

Hey, you.

I've been neglecting our blog too.  The entire blogosphere, actually, except that I check a couple that I LOVE every morning ;) I haven't felt much like writing lately; I have once again over-committed myself in terms of projects, activities and social engagements, so I've been a stresshead.

This doesn't excuse my lack of contact during this horrible and sad time for you and your family.  How are you holding up?  How are the rest of the sisters and daughters? I can't imagine the pain of waiting...and still hoping. I am so sorry for all of you. I wish I had had the opportunity to meet D over the course of all these years, although I feel as though, through your stories, I did. I even got to know her a little bit, and it breaks my heart to hear that her battle is coming to an end after fighting so hard for so long. I know the coming weeks or months will be difficult for all of you; my thoughts are with you every day, even though I you may not hear them.

We're winding down the year here too...we go until Wednesday, but as you know, the kids will check out the minute that bell rings this afternoon.  I mean, really. Who's going to be engaged during Monday's Bobcatpalooza Day, Tuesday's Clean Out Your Locker Day or Wednesday's Must Meet State Requirements Half Day?  JJ dumped the contents of his backpack on the coffee table last night and I knew we were done.  This year flew by, though. Maybe it's because I was working, I don't know. I have no idea where the time went.

Tonight JJ, J and I are going to the ballpark for a minor league game (translate: hot dogs and beer in the sun) - a sort of Birthday/Father's Day gift to ourselves.  It is, amazingly, supposed to be pretty nice today, warm if not completely sunny.  The rest of the weekend I'll be running around tying up all the loose ends for Monday and maybe we'll go out to dinner and to see Cars 2 for my birthday tomorrow night.

I'll be glad when Monday [successfully] comes to a close, although I've enjoyed this process and am looking forward to seeing how it all turns out.  I'll just be grateful for the extra time in the day, that's all.  Then it's a couple of weeks of work until I leave for CA - which is another story altogether that I won't get into here.

I've got to get ready for work now, but wanted to check in and let you know that I'm thinking of you.  I will be heading out with the family right when I get off work this afternoon, but I wonder if you'll be around this weekend? I will definitely try to call you tomorrow to hear your voice, even if you can't complete a sentence without crying.  I wouldn't expect anything else.

Love you,
A

So Sorry!

Hey, Amanda,

Wow. I have been very neglectful of our blog, and I apologize. This is that weird time of the year for me when vacation is close but not quite here, and I find I have a lot more to do than I want, yet the weather beckons me to spend time outside when I can. As a result I haven't been at my computer much lately, for pleasure anyway. Seems I'm always at the keyboard at school writing end of the year lessons and quizzes and reviews and now finals.

Blah Blah Blah.

Still, I'm sorry. And, before I head off for the weekend to Boston, I want you to know I am well, though things with D continue to deteriorate, and that I am thinking of you.

Love,
Barb

View from the deck

Hey, Barb.

Sorry for the delay in response to your newsy post the other morning. Sounds like a rough weekend overall.  I'm sorry it had to be the way you celebrated your birthday so I plan to help you make it up in August.  I hope you made it to the beach after all and that a day with the kids was exactly the right answer.  I also have to apologize for not sending you a card because I try not to let things like that slip past me.  I just lost track of my days, I guess.

I know I've been complaining about the weather here for months now, but I swear, I'm about ready for medication.  Seriously - our ski resorts are still open.  The thought of a public pool opening is hilarious. All Memorial Day weekend, people were actually in better moods because, even though it was 50 degrees, overcast and gloomy, for once it wasn't raining.  But let's not get too excited...it's been raining ever since.  I'm so tired of it, but it's also making me tired.  I'm so lethargic; all I want to do is nap until summer.  Supposedly, we're going to have an 80 degree day on Saturday - just some random Phoenix day here in the middle of the rain - but I'll believe it when I see it.  If something doesn't turn around soon...argh.

Our weekend was good, despite the gray.  We got the backyard almost totally finished and I'm so pleased with the way it all turned out. There are a few loose ends here and there, but for the most part, it is beautiful.  I just wish we could hang out on the deck and enjoy it now.  The other day, there was a cougar sighting in our neighborhood and J thought he saw some prints in the dirt between our house and the ridge.  He said they might come up to drink out of the waterfall and now JJ and I are obsessed with cougar-watching. How cool would that be?! I mean, you know, if no small children or cats got eaten in the process.  JJ wants to put food out on the deck.  LOL! Dude, we don't actually want to invite them, we just secretly hope for a visit!

M leaves tonight for ten days in Mississippi for his cousin's wedding. It will be a nice break for my worry wart head.  I think I told you that he "accidentally" forgot to register for school this semester so I've been losing some sleep building stories in my head about his never getting a diploma, a job, or a place of his own.  Funny, how I used to be afraid he'd never come home, and now I'm stressed that he'll never move out.

Still planning the 4th of July party at my parents' house but not looking forward to going very much.  I'm tired of trying to talk to them when they're usually drunk and don't remember entire conversations we have.  All my reading and working on self-esteem doesn't prove much of a buoy when my dad gets going on one of his rampages.  And then my mom...well... if denial were the center of the earth, she'd be in China.  You'd think, at my age...you'd think.

My thoughts have been with you, D and all of your family this week.  Keep me posted and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Love you,
A

Beach Day

Hey there. How are you? I was in the shower when you called the other night, and when I called back you must have been busy. Sorry we missed each other.

I'm up earlier than I need to be, but lately I find I wake up early on weekends--despite wanting to sleep in. I'm still getting more sleep than during the week though, since I have been going to bed as early as during the week, so I suppose it still works in my favor.

I have plans to take M and A with me today to to meet L at the beach, but it looks like we have a few hours of clouds and thunderstorms to get through before we get to the sunshine. I hope it works out; we’ll go either way.

This long, holiday, birthday weekend hasn’t been the greatest—truth be told. As much as I don’t want birthdays to be a big deal anymore, I hate when I’m disappointed at the end of it. Saturday morning (my actual birthday) I spent the morning running around then the early afternoon washing, spinning, slicing and dicing a salad for the barbeque. When I was done with all that, there wasn’t enough time for me to head out to the pool without feeling stressed—and that is just antithetical, so I didn’t go.

I had an okay time at the party but without a DD I was reserved and clockwatching and not really relaxed. It was definitely good to see some old friends I hadn’t seen in a while, but it didn’t much feel like my birthday.

Meanwhile, I was walking around in a fog of sadness after a conversation with D on Friday in which she made no sense. Last year she and her daughter came over during the weekend to hang out by the pool and for dinner and they came with a birthday cake. This year she is completely out if it, unable to be by herself never mind make it up my stairs and or sit by the pool….

So when I tried to sit by the pool finally yesterday, I could hardly contain my sadness. My cousin H (D’s brother) called when I was out there coincidentally, and though I knew enough not to pick up the phone, I lost my shit. Thankful for the tissue in my beach bag, I wiped away tears for an hour, then decided to call it a day. Maybe that was the better idea anyway, I convinced myself, I’d be getting a lot of sun today at the beach, and I should save my skin.

I came in, talked to H, bawled my eyes out, talked to my mom, and cried some more. I put some compresses on my eyes and napped. Eventually I took myself to a Mexican place close by for a quick bite to eat. I came home and went to bed early.

I hope today is a better day, that being around the kids and at the beach will make it easier to be happy. Fingers crossed the sun cooperates…

Hope you’re having a good long weekend.

Love,

Barb

My Turn

Hi, Amanda.

You definitely threw me there...I'm glad I texted and found out you were in New York. I'm also happy to hear you had a good time.

I'm more than ready for summer vacation. Mostly I'm just really tired--physically, mentally, emotionally. It's been a difficult year at school (for a variety of reasons) and at home (with W and D, and all the stress of having people I love be sick). We only have a few weeks left, but as I know from past years, the last few weeks of school are as difficult as the first few.

I'll be around after the final Oprah episode this afternoon if you want to cry for a few minutes together...Otherwise I'm around this weekend and don't have plans yet other than to sit by the pool (Yay, pools season!) if the weather permits and I don't fry the first instant I get out there (I'm so pasty right now).

Glad to hear you're well.
Love,
Barb

Quick Catch Up

Well hello there....

Ok, so I've been totally out of commission this past week + .  Sorry about that.  I have once again taken on too many tasks and, having procrastinated in my usual fashion, have been stressing a little about various things to which I have stupidly said "Sure! I'll do that!" Throw in a whirlwind trip to New York and an overnight to D&M's up north this past weekend and I'm ready for a Xanax.

Our trip was really good, if short.  C is all settled in and very happy in her new life.  We had a lot of fun visiting with her, M and H (J's brother and sister) and other cousins.  We did take one day to go into the city with the boys, but other than that it was all family time.  Our day out was great, surprisingly.  I thought M would be bored, but he wasn't at all.  We did a ton of walking, though, and I came home with weird foot  pain that my doctor says is plantar fasciitis but I'm not entirely buying that.  We'll see if it starts to improve here any time soon.

We got home late Wednesday night and had a couple of days to recoup before he went up to D&M's for the night, to visit with B&J and others from Pullman.  That was very fun and very relaxing, as all we did was sit around, play cards, eat and drink.  Came home yesterday afternoon and went to work on the end of the year field trip for JJ's school (Bobcat Palooza!) that I offered to chair last summer.  Super idea.  Anyway, I've got most of the basic stuff going now, so I'm a little less panicked about it. How did the end of the school year all of a sudden appear? Did your year go this quickly??

I'm off to Hot Yoga in a minute but wanted to say hello before leaving.  I know that I will probably be wiped out when I get home, and I haven't written in too long.  I hope you've been well and would love to catch up sometime soon on the phone.  Tomorrow I am working straight through until JJ's last game, but I should be around Wednesday after work.

Love you,
A

Big Night

Hey, Amanda.

In a few minutes I'm off to my big school event tonight, after which I think I'll be able to breather for a little bit...until I realize how little there is left of the school year and how much I still have to do. In fact, I'm sure panic will set in. Oh well. For tonight anyway I will be able to take a deep breath and toast to a job well done. Perhaps I'll take myself out for a late, light dinner afterward.

That being said, I will have a bit less stress and a bit more time after tonight to sit down and write.

I hope all is well with you.

Love,
Barb

Thanks and...goodnight!

Hey,

Just wanted to thank you for allowing me to vent a little today.  I do have an appointment with MC tomorrow so we'll see if I make any progress.

As for Hot Yoga:  I didn't totally hate it.  In fact, I kinda really liked it.  It's very meditative and soothing and calming - not what I expected at all.  It was not a strenuous workout (well, for me it was, since I'm so out of shape) but a lot of stretching and breathing and balancing. It was mostly very relaxing and spiritually cleansing. Plus - I loved this - the instructor has this wonderful, soothing voice and she kept saying things like "Thank your body for guiding your through this class and for allowing you to face this challenging workout."  "Revel in the ability of your body to move and stretch."   Hmmm...self-esteem much?

Yes, I sweated like crazy and yes, I got dizzy and nauseous a few times.  But I got through the whole 90 minutes without too much trouble, and I thought it went by surprisingly quickly.  I came home and took a hot shower and now...at 9:28...I feel as though a 10mg Ambien has kicked in - - but I didn't take one!

I think I'm gonna like it.  I may even love it.  I'm definitely going again.  Tomorrow night at 6:30.

Until then,  g'night :)

Auto-Pilot

Hey there.

Nice to catch up with you this morning by reading your post. Sorry your spirits have lost a little altitude. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate though so I think it's reasonable to feel a little funky, and I do believe the weather and change of season plays a role. We feel elated after a warm, sunny day only to find it rainy and cold the next; just when we feel the Vitamin D start to build, the reaction stops midstream. Eventually we'll feel better for longer stretches. Promise.

Thanks for texting with me during the Royal Wedding. My party was just me during the live event. I had my English muffin with sausage for breakfast in the lull between the ceremony and the first kiss (didn't want to miss any of the ceremony!) and then had a few mimosas. I napped and woke up just in time for that surprise exit in the Astin Martin. (One of my favorite moments!)

That afternoon I headed over to D's and watched all the scenes in play back and commentaries with her, my aunt, and her friend N (whom I've known since high school, and with whom I talk often about the medical stuff). I hadn't seen N in years--probably since one of D's kid's graduations--and we had fun. My cucumber sandwiches came out okay, but what a pain in the a*s-- especially since I used regular, fluffy white bread.
Anyway, I stayed overnight so that D could spend another night in her own space rather than go back to her parents' and left by 9 on Saturday morning.

Saturday was my niece S's birthday party. In between D's and heading there overnight, I had to make S's favorite pasta of mine and a salad, then stopped at the mall on the way down. The party was fun, and my morning with C the next day--more than 2 hours alone with him before anyone else woke up--was precious: reading, playing blocks, playing games. I can't believe he's almost 6. I left there at 1 to get my other niece to soccer on time (our hour long conversation on the way home is a post in itself), and it was nice that all my commitments were over and it was still early afternoon. And sunny and gorgeous!...

Although I ended up spending most of the rest of it in a dark restaurant, scarfing a Caesar salad and a burger, and then napping. Whatever. It did the trick.

Six o'clock should work tomorrow to talk. I'll be jones-ing for traffic to end so I can run out to L&T with my coupon ($20 off $40!) to buy myself something new for my school event next week, so give me a call. 

Looking forward to hearing your voice.

Love you,
Barb

Still Not Right...

Hey, Barb.

I had all good intentions of writing tonight, but I've been fighting a sinus headache that won't go away and I'm ready for bed.  J, JJ and I went out for ice cream after dinner and just got home; I had a lot more motivation before we left.  Tomorrow my workout partner, A, is picking me up at 5:20 (we ditched the gym today, so I totally have to go tomorrow. Headache or no.)

My weekend was good.  Thursday night/Friday morning was fun with the girls down the street and I'm really glad I watched it live.  They aren't very close friends of mine, though, so I was a little out of my element,  but not in a bad way.  I just would love to have shared that experience with someone to whom I felt truly connected, whether it had been you, or KN, or my brother.  At 2am, all my old HS friends were up and on FB, chatting back and forth about what we were all up to - and the fact that we were all up - what we were cooking for breakfast, sharing memories...it was awesome.  Funny, I didn't cry during the wedding, I think because we were all narrating it and laughing and a little late night punchy.  But the next day, when I watched it another eight times in reruns, I cried every time.

I don't know what we did the rest of the weekend really. Ran a bunch of errands, had the As over for dinner, then Sunday it was gorgeous so we worked in the yard a little.  My allergies started to kick up so I took the boys to see Fast Five (because they wanted to see it, right?!) which was thoroughly mindless and enjoyable.

I'm not in a funk, really, but still not myself as of late.  I don't know if it's the weather (we went from the kids in the sprinkler yesterday to closing up all the house windows and wearing my parka today) or what, but my spirits aren't maintaining their height of last week.  I'm stressing about this stupid 4th of July party that isn't my party at all and has nothing to do with me, but somehow became mine because my dad refuses to be an ass to my cousin. He'd much rather be an ass to me.  So I graciously agreed to help but I really don't want to.  I also signed up (last summer) to chair the committee for the end-of-the-year field day at JJ's school (Bobcat Palooza!) - it's probably not as much work as I think but it's still something else on my plate.  Anyway, it's just all got me not sleeping and thinking and worrying too much.  J and I seem to be getting along fairly well these days but I feel like a volcano - I'm struggling with so many issues and we talk about NONE of them.  We have an appt with MC this week but I just can't see how I'm ever going to get all this resolved when it feels so overwhelming.

So that's my story...I would love to have caught up with you over the weekend but it seemed like I was always surrounded by people.  J asked me what I wanted for mother's day and I told him I wanted to go spend the night in Seattle and go to a play.  By myself.  He didn't respond, so I'm not sure if he thought I was serious.  I was.  I think I'll just plan it myself and go.

So that's my attempt at catching you up - can't wait to read and hear how things are with you.  I still haven't heard about Easter, or your Royal Wedding party.  I have an appt to get my car serviced on Wed at 3:00 so I'll be sitting around doing nothing for a couple of hours if you'll be around at that time?

I hope you're well...
Love you,
A

Holding Steady

Hey, Amanda.

So my mood is still good today—two days in a row. It’s a bit humid out but not raining and cold, so weather shouldn’t be a factor in ruining my mood. I’m hoping to hear positive things about M’s evaluation today and think we’re in another good stretch with D (who starts radiation today), so that shouldn’t be a factor either. And W and I are making our next plans for a couple of weeks from now, so having that to look forward to helps as well. We are thinking we might change things up a bit and stay somewhere outside of Boston just for a change, for some R&R. We won’t have to worry about packing outfits to go out and won’t need to do anything much at all. If there’s a pool and a Jacuzzi we’ll be happy.


It was good to hear your voice yesterday. I’m glad you’re feeling so good these days.

Love,
Barb

LMAO

That is soooooo funny!!! Of course I remember.!...

Wish I had more time to write right now, but I don't. I had to, however, let you know that I read your post and I laughed out loud.

Thanks for that!
Love you,
Barb

On the Upswing?

Hey there,

I'm trying to be optimistic (for both of us) that this week will bring us each back into balance with our selves.  I'm feeling better this evening, having spent my afternoon in a good way - meaning, not running errands. Even when they're "fun" errands, like tanning or getting my nails done, I still feel like my entire day is gone by the time I get home.  Today, having not slept well last night, I planned to come home and nap a little before making a real dinner for my family.  As it turned out, my friend KN (aka "the girlfriend") with whom I have been trying to catch up for over a week, texted me right as I got off work.  We spent the next two hours on the phone - and only 15 minutes of the entire conversation was about Bro J.  Finally, our friendship stands on its own, without him. That made my day.

I didn't get my nap in, but I did get dinner made and was on time to pick up JJ from football at 5:30.  We had dinner together - all four of us - for the first time in over a week, without a baseball game on, even.  Now the kids are upstairs trying to put the game station together in the new "Game Room" - formally, C's bedroom - and J is on the couch nursing an upset stomach (not, mind you, related to my excellent dinner).

I am feeling good about the coming week.

I went to the gym this morning with a sort-of-new friend (PTA mom from JJ's elementary school that I rarely see anymore) because she's trying to talk me into doing a triathlon with her in the fall.  (Ok, let's laugh together over that, for a minute.  Because how ridiculous is that, really?  Me.  A triathlon.  I might as well go ahead and climb Mt Rainier while I'm at it. But she and some other moms I know from PTA are doing if for the second year and not one of them is any more in shape than I am. )  I haven't formally committed to it yet, but I did say I would train with them at the gym for a couple of weeks and see what happens.  At least it's something to get me to the gym every morning, some accountability.

On Thursday night/Friday morning, I am going to a Royal Wedding Party down the street at CH's house (she is British, although she has lived here most of her life.) It's a Pajamas and Tiaras party, with champagne, starting at 2 in the morning (because there's no way we're not watching it live!). At 10:30 Friday morning (hopefully after a nap) we're all going to High Tea at the Secret Garden Tea House downtown.  I was so excited to have been invited to this party, as I'm sure you can imagine; I wasn't thrilled about staying up all night to watch it alone.  The girl's weekend that my high school friends and I had planned for this event fell through, so life is good again.

And then I have Friday off.  Because really, who can go to work after that?

And nothing planned for the entire day!!


Anyway, I hope my high spirits lift you up too, and there's one more thing I could hardly wait to share with you.  I received a letter in the mail today from England, and when John handed it to me, he said, "Oh, here's your invitation to the wedding."  I laughed, looked at the return address, then giggled. "It's from Lisa! I'll bet it's an invitation to a wedding party!"

But when I opened it, it was so much better than that.  Just a card, a card I didn't even need to open, and you're the only person on earth who will appreciate it as much as I did.  (At least I hope you remember...)

Enjoy!

Love you!

A

Ugh :(

Good morning, Amanda.


I have been out of the swing of writing as well this vacation, so I thought I’d take this last opportunity to write before going back to school tomorrow.

Vacation went by really fast for me. Truth be told, I could use another week. I enjoyed myself, but I started out so damned tired that a couple days were gone by the time I could function. Then I spent a day cleaning and doing laundry, and the next day W came down. We had three great days together but then suddenly it was Friday. I made it a Barb day with beauty appointments (hair, pedi, mani), shopping and dinner but then it was the weekend. And since today is Easter and I have to be at my mom’s at 2, I needed to spend time yesterday thinking about and getting to ready to go back to school. That is to say, vacation mode has ended.

So I think I’ll skip the gym today so I can spend the morning relaxed in my nice, clean again space. No need to freak out trying to figure out when I need to leave for the gym in order to be home in time to make the salad and shower yada yada. Nope. Me, my blogs, and coffee will be followed by mimosas, bacon and eggs. Then I’ll make the salad and take a shower. I’ll count on leftovers from mom’s for lunch for tomorrow.

I wonder what you have going on for Easter today if anything, and hope all is well.

Love you,
Barb

Blah :(

Hey, Barb.

I am in such a writing funk! I didn't even look at my blog pages this weekend; I'm not paying that much attention to FB, either, which doesn't even require a brain.  I've been slugging around feeling very out of it the past couple of weeks.

I only have a minute before heading to work but wanted to wish you a great vacation week.  I hope your time with W is relaxing and fun - for both of you.  I did get your text yesterday about D and I'm sorry to hear she's down again.  Wonderful news about the baby though :)

Tonight I'm going for drinks and apps with my new friend KD, who is actually my floor supervisor at work.  (I think I mentioned I went to a party at her house a few weeks ago.) Tomorrow night  - dinner with K&R, Thursday- a football game, and football practice every minute in between.

We had one sunny day on Sunday and it lifted my spirits more than I can tell you.  Now it's back to snow and rain...and it's 39 freakin' degrees.  WTH.

Gotta run - sorry to be so out of touch.

Love you,
A

Refueling

Good morning.

OMG, thank god, I'm on vacation. One day down and I am starting to feel normal again. Yesterday I was soooo tired and so uninterested in doing anything; I gave myself permission to do nothing, and did little more than that. I did  leave the house to do some grocery shopping, but that was it. I even took a nap! I never nap. And today I feel like it is actually possible to refuel during this vacation, despite the fact that I had been running on empty--below E, on fumes--for the last several weeks. And it certainly doesnt't hurt knowing there are 9 only weeks left when we return. We went 18 weeks without vacation this last stretch; it's been ten weeks since those back-to-back snow days: those nine weeks should be a breeze.

I'm having dinner with my parents tonight (well, at 5) at a restaurant where they have a gift certificate (they are not restaurant people! I wonder where I come from...) but otherwise have no plans except to get some housework done so that I don't have to do everything tomorrow to get guest-ready. W comes to visit for a few days Tuesday, and I'm a little behind on housework. Somewhere in that cold and snowy stretch of 18 weeks I lost the motivation to have a perfect house. (After all, I was the only one hibernating here.) But now I need to catch up.Ugh....but I'm sure I'll be happy when my house gets back to beautiful.

I hope you're having a good weekend. If you aren't doing anything today, give me a call; I'll be happy for the break.

Love you,
Barb

Heavy Hearts

Hey there,

Struggling a little today but not so much emotionally.  I only slept a couple of hours all night and am totally dragging. Drank too much really good wine (we went to the Melting Pot for dinner - yum!) and had to be out of here at 4:00am to go to the airport, so my brain never really turned off.  Now I'm exhausted and grouchy.  We did have a good weekend though.

So sorry to hear about D.  You must be so sad.  My heart goes out to all of you; she and her Dad are so blessed to be surrounded by such loving family.  Hang in there, I know this is really painful.

I am just home for a couple of minutes this afternoon between work and an appt with MC, then to pick up JJ from football; he got up with us this morning so I'm guessing we'll all be ok with an early night. The sun is out (look quick!) so I'm going to throw some burgers on the grill when we get home but who knows? By then it could be hailing/snowing/raining.

I hope today went well ... "busy day"?  Did you have testing? Would love to catch up this week sometime; we still need to pick a date!

Love you,
A

Good Luck to C!

Good morning, Amanda.

A quick note this morning to wish C--and you and J--well today. I imagine this weekend was an emotional one; I hope you were all able to make some fun with it all. I hope also that you can take some comfort in the fact that as much as she is going far away, she is going to be close to family.

I'm hanging in there...a bittersweet weekend getting to hang out with D's sisters but knowing they were here because she and her dad are very sick. She did get out of the hospital on Friday, but she's in a wheelchair now, and she's still experiencing a lot of pain. Sunday night I was struck with a profound--and knowing--sadness (as was L), and the feeling hasn't left me. Last night I went to bed at 8, partly because of my sadness and partly because I decided that I really need to take care of myself and try at least to get enough sleep. I can't handle my emotions and stress well when I'm overtired; sleep seemed like a good alternative to sitting around crying. I have a big day at school today, so I'm sure I'll be grateful I went to bed early.

Good luck today with C's send off...I'm thinking of you all and sending my love.
xo,
Barb

Headin' Out

Hey,

Just a quick note before we head out of town for the weekend. We're going to help C pack up her apartment into a POD, then bring her back here with us...taking her to the airport on Tuesday :(

I didn't sleep last night so I'm a little off today.  Just waiting for J's football practice to be over so we can leave...I think I'll snooze for a bit beforehand.

I'll be on my cell while I'm gone so you can text or call if you want. I hope you have a great weekend planned and are doing well today.

Love you
A

Dinner of Champions

On my way to the hospital last night, I fantasized--well that's an exaggeration, let's say I thought about maybe stopping off on the way home and taking myself out for a nice dinner. I deserved it, right? Tuesday was one of the worst days EVER in my life, and dammit I should treat myself to something nice. Yeah, then I remembered I needed milk and half and half and needed to stop at the store, so maybe it would just be easier get a salad bar there or just get home and make something simple. Doesn't get much simpler than a grilled cheese. And that wine? Well, we texted about that: delicious. Love it. Will buy again, especially to have when you're here. And today I have a nice salad for lunch that I didn’t have to make. Turns out well in the end.

I don’t have plans to go to the hospital again today, although it would be great to see D’s sisters who are in from California. I need today not to take the hour drive there. I know she is in good hands and it’s okay for me to stay away. Instead I hope to treat myself to some new shoes or sandals this afternoon, and maybe a spring cardigan, and since I didn’t think to take any fish or chicken out of the freezer today, I plan to stop at an Italian place near the mall for their happy hour, which includes small portions of pasta.

And then tomorrow is Friday. Thank god. The week will be over and I’ll have the weekend to really sleep, and then only one more week until vacation…which brings me one week closer to pool season, my birthday (the same weekend), the end of the year, summer. I’m ready for it all.

For all of that anyway. More bumps in the road with D? Seeing her deteriorate?....not so much. Some days it will be easier than others, though, like today. And I plan to take advantage of that.

Hope you have a good day, too. I’ll text you when I’m home to see if you’re available to chat.

Love,
Barb

Quick Hello

Hey, Barb.

Best laid plans....

I never even got to the computer last night, let alone the page.  I woke up early this morning and bagged a PT appt in favor of sitting here and writing.  After preparing my breakfast and lunch, cleaning up the kitchen and sundry other tasks, it is now 8:13 and I've barely time to jot a few notes here.  I'm beginning to think my 30 challenge was a rotten idea; I think I need to get organized before I commit to major projects.

It was great to hear your voice last night, if only for a minute.  I am sooooo excited for my trip in August and can't wait to nail down a date.  Just putting it on the calendar (in purple, of course!) will brighten my mood considerably.  Promise me there will be sun?  If all we do is sit by the pool for an entire week, I will be in heaven. So if the whole Boston thing doesn't work out, no worries.

Sending you and D white light and good thoughts today - looking forward to catching up more tomorrow afternoon.

Love you,
A

Out of Touch

Hey, you.

I'm feeling out of touch and hope everything is okay with you.

I've recovered, I think, from having my wallet stolen last weekend, and had a good week. Thursday night I went out with an old friend whom I haven't seen in years. In fact, I don't think we've ever been out just the two of us. We had been talking about going out for a long time and I'm glad we finally did; we had a great time. (When you visit I am definitely taking you to her restaurant).

I'm around this weekend other than running errands today (which include purchasing a new wallet) and dinner at my mother's tomorrow.

Send me a text if you can't sit down and write?....

Love you,
Barb

Home Away from Home

Hey, you.

Hope you had a good week...it was nice to see you writing.

It's a little on the late side for me, but I thought I'd drop you a couple of lines tonight anyway as I'm off to Boston in the morning. My cousin D is there to celebrate her birthday with her ex-sister and law and her partner; W and I are going to splurge and stay close to them near Faneuil Hall. I'm really looking forward to it. It's colder than it should be for late March, but at least it's supposed to be sunny, and at least I'll be in a happy place. Just got word we're all getting treated to Sunday brunch at the top of the hub. Sweet.

I have more news about my crazy sister to share when we eventually talk and--even before I heard the latest chapter--in general have been pretty emotional/volatile/ lately...so I'm happy to try to leave it all behind and enjoy myself in my home away from home.

Have a good weekend.
Love,
Barb

Calming Down

Hey, Amanda.

Well at least you know you don’t have to apologize, even though you continue to...

I’m sorry that St. Patty’s day didn’t turn out like you planned. I’d have been disappointed if I were you, too. But I'm glad you spent the day as you did, and I hope the rest of the weekend went well.

I tried to step outside my Box this weekend and had fun. Saturday I took myself shopping and then out for a late lunch. No gym, no laundry, no visit to my parents'. Sunday was more typical for me—gym, grocery store, breakfast—and I was just fine with it. Sometimes I just need a little variety I guess.

This weekend I go to Boston. W and I are going to meet up with my cousin D and a couple of her friends who will be there for the weekend. That should be fun. It’ll be nice to see D outside of a hospital, honestly, just having fun. No IVs, no machines. Faneuil Hall and cocktails.

Thought I might strangle a kid earlier today (he spikes my blood pressure in a scary way)(smart ass little weasily disresectful sh*t that he is), but I think I’ve calmed down enough to enjoy my night. I’ll be around if you want to catch up. If not, hope your week is going well.

Love,
Barb