Dumping on My Dump Site

Hey, B.

So, thanks for the Personal Post yesterday; it made my day.  So many good memories! I absolutely remember Erika, as well as I remember Robyn Humb-ah, who gave me a cake plate as a wedding present before I left, and whose boyfriend, John P, wrote a paper on losing his virginity to her.  Oh my, that was so long ago.   I also remember sitting in the teachers' lounge (we could smoke, but we couldn't wear pants...???) listening to Ed drone on about Vegas, and swearing we would never, ever, count down the days.

That job takes it out of you - all of it - and I'm so impressed that you have made it this long.  Your students are so fortunate that you stuck it out and that you never became the teacher I did, in a much shorter period of time.  My hat's off to you, for being the teacher that I hope, every day, is waiting for my own kids when they get to school.  Thanks.

My job, currently, is taking it out of me.  Not my medical clinic sit-and-jaw-jack-with-people-all-day job, but my primary job, raising two teenaged boys who, evidently, haven't learned a f*@^ing thing since the big "family meeting" last weekend.  Wait, that's not fair.  JJ has learned a small amount.  He has kind of, sort of, tried to do a few of things we talked about.  M, on the other hand (the one that wants to smack the s*** out of him) has changed NO behaviors at all and today, I just hit the wall.  J is out of town (in Phoenix with TA, playing golf and going to Mariner's Spring Training games) so, of course, it's ten times harder for me to enforce anything. 

No details necessary...just another blow up over what would appear to be absolutely nothing on the surface.  I am soooooo tired of all his crap all over the house, dishes in the sink (he'll do them "later", which I realize now is code for "when/if/ever I feel like it") I'm tired of asking nicely. I'm tired of being nice to his BF who practically lives here. I'm tired of it all. I even googled "I hate my teenager" this afternoon to see if any other moms out there are ready to run away.   Well, there are plenty of them.  It's just, where would I run to?

So what did I do? Five, almost six impeccably perfect days on the HcG program, 9.5 lbs down, I poured a glass of wine and said "F it."  I know I should be stronger than that.  I know I shouldn't let that little SH control my success and failure.  Still, with J gone and no one to talk to, wine seemed like a good friend.

I might call SA - she will drink with, and not judge, me - but really, what good does it do? I'm tired of trying to fix him, to make him the kid that I dreamed he would be.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm a failure at parenting because ONE kid is making crappy choices.  I'm tired of trying to take his dad out of him. 

OK, pizza's here and SA is on her way. God, I can't wait until they're all grown and gone and I can do that "look back and laugh" thing everyone promises me.

Love you and

Sorry for the gloom and doom,

A

PS.... SOOOOOOO looking forward to my visit eastward this summer ;)