Hey there, Barb.

I won't promise a long or detailed post tonight, but I've neglected my blogging long enough. When I signed JJ up for this select football league - the league we've avoided for the past five years, regardless of all the begging on his part and the nudging from friends and neighbors already in the cult - I thought I was ready.  Not.

When they said every night, they meant it.  They meant Monday through Friday, with homework afterwards, studying plays. They meant it when they said parents get involved.  What they didn't say was that you'd have to do laundry every night because he'd smell so bad you couldn't stand it if he wore that jersey in the car with you. That he would need a full meal at 4:00 before practice and then another one at 8:45 after practice.  And a shower.  And then he'd need to talk about practice for awhile before you could get any time to yourself. Which you wouldn't have, as a mom, because you'd probably be going through menopause and you'd be all kinds of a beotch most of the day, so you'd have to take drugs just to get to sleep at night.

But whether I meant to drink the KoolAid or not, I think I did.

To be honest, I don't totally hate it.  Ok, I'm not crazy about sitting through the two hour practices on the flimsy bleachers, particularly when I'm surrounded by a passel of 8th grade girls oohing and ahhing and being 8th grade girls.  But after our huge win on Sunday, at the first game of the season, I was officially inducted. It was a blast.  I think I'm a Football Mom.

The downside, though, is that I'm gone every night of the week, and the few hours between work and football are taken up with all the other stuff I don't get done.  And naps, sometimes, when I can squeeze them in, because I really am struggling with hormonal s**t.

I also joined the Boosters Board at the middle school, so I've been busy with that getting ready for school to start. Sometimes I wish I knew how to say no, but what I really wish for is the ability to cope with a normal, manageable To Do List, which is truly what I have. It shouldn't be this overwhelming, but I am having such a hard time.  I'm going to see the Dr on Friday to get the results of my hormone testing, and to find out if I can start HRT.  I just want someone to make this better.

I don't mean this as an excuse for not writing, because MC says if I wrote I would be able to cope better.  If I weren't so tired, I swear I would.

I hope all is well with you and that the year is starting off right. Glad to hear you made it through the hurricane ok.

Love you,
A

Yawn

Hi, Amanda,

With back-to-school looming around the corner, I am certain to regret my recent schedule shift of staying up late and sleeping in, but oh-well. The girls were here for two overnights (Saturday and Sunday), and teenage girls just don't go to bed early. Rather, they giggle till well after midnight (closer to 2) and keep their auntie up as they do. And now auntie is a little out of whack....but so happy to have had them. We didn't do much but hang out (and I cooked three favorite meals for them), but I know time is precious and they won't be sleeping over much longer. Take J...

Monday morning we all went to my mother's for brunch as a send-off for J, who left for college afterward. I wasn't going to cry, but really....what was I thinking? I was THE FIRST to cry, over my eggs in fact. He's in NYC so not far away, but it's just one of those monumental moments that comes with a host of emotions--especially for a family of cry babies like mine.

Afterward, I was able to decompress at the beach, my last beach day of the summer. I took S home and  my sister and C met up with us at their beach, and then my brother-in-law joined us at dinner time. It was a gorgeous day and beautiful sunset and the perfect beginning of my last week of vacation, which I am clearly trying to enjoy to the fullest, until wee hours of the morning. Go, me!

Hope you are doing well. (Is J home? How did the party go? Did the weather deliver?) Would love to catch up this week if you can.

Love,
Barb

Positive Energy

Hey, Barb.

It is odd, the timing of W's news.  Yet another affirmation of our belief that all of our energy is connected, and everything happens the way it should, in the grand scheme of things.  I love that you were able to mourn, breathe and let go. The more we do it, the easier it gets, and the better we feel.  I'm glad we are both learning to dismiss the idea that sadness and depression = compassion and love. When D was very ill, you wrote (or said, I can't remember) something about not wasting her precious moments with your tears, and that really stuck with me. No amount of our personal grief will improve the situation, and, in fact, often makes it worse.

Still, this is awful for W and is more for you to think about. Sorry :(

You know what I love even more than the letting go? I smiled to see that you took the time to cook a beautiful dinner and enjoy it with a glass of wine.  Will I get there someday? Will I move beyond the Drive Through Fix in those moments of stress?  I hope so.

~

My late night at football last night worked out well for sleeping. I was soooooo tired by the time I took my Ambien that I didn't have a chance. Today, though, it's gloomy and gray, so my motivation level isn't what I had hoped. The promise of a weekend in the 80s is helping, and having a huge list to tackle for TK's party will get my butt in gear, but for the moment I'm allowing myself to whittle away the morning doing....not much at all.  Making lists. Not beating myself up for not doing anything.

I'm going back to work on Monday, to my same schedule for awhile.  In the middle of September I will move to an even better schedule and we will be moving into our new clinic, which will be nice.  I get to work 7:30-12:30 on the main floor with my good friend KD and I'm really looking forward to the change.  And getting my paycheck back. My decision to go back earlier than planned, though, has kind of moved everything into GO mode; how is it I just had four weeks off and not one single project on my summer list got completed? Wait, not even one of them got started!!  Grrrrr.


Alright...I'm ready to motor.  Enjoy your lunch and your day!
Love you
A

Pity Party

Hi, Amanda.

How weird was that? Less than an hour after you and I hung up I heard from W with that latest news. Whoa. Careful what you "wish" for...or at least make sure you include details. I certainly didn't mean that I was ready to begin to bring our relationship to a successful conclusion at that moment, while I was sitting by the pool trying to finish my Kindle loaner. But I suppose the matter is more urgent than I originally thought...UGH.

Eventually, after a few tears and a few texts with you and my other BFFs, I was able to get back to the book and finish it as planned. One thing I have learned to do over these last couple of years is let go. I could sit and dwell about D (as I sometimes did) (all day) or have my moment and let go. My dwelling wasn't going to take away her cancer; I had to learn to power through, and maybe compartmentalize a little. I wasn't always good at it, but I was always aware that there was something inherently wrong with "wasting" my days mired in despair while D's days were numbered, none to waste on the luxury of sadness.

I suppose that's the instinct that kicked in this afternoon. I could do nothing about the latest doctor recommendations or how W was feeling 100 miles away, so I shared with my friends (that always makes me feel better), said my prayers, took my deep breaths and let go.

After finishing the book (which meant moving in the shade for the last hour or so) I came in. I made myself a little Caprese, and plated it with olives and a few shrimp I boiled yesterday, and poured a glass of wine. I sat down to write and snack after a quick shower and am oh-so-content. I haven't had many of this kind pool day this summer and--as you would say--I'm enjoying the sh*t out of it. I have chicken marinating for dinner (doing the Greek thing again) but I'm not sure I'll be hungry enough to eat it. I'll go ahead and make it anyway, and try to enjoy the rest of this Barb Spa day.

Can't wait for you to enjoy one with me next year...

Thanks for listening, and for being there. As always.

Love you,
Barb

A Little Gloomy

The Pink Door!...gorgeous plate...I'm so glad you were able to connect with your friend while she's in Seattle (and that you have other plans coming up). I hardly remember that we had actually narrowed down a week for you to be here before everything just went a little crazy and I feel bad that you aren't here now that you mention it, but it also seems to have worked out for the best for you. J was able to come out at a moment's notice (his poor mom!), and you were able to have that lovely lunch at the Pink Door. And truth be told, I am S.P.E.N.T. so I'm not sure I'd be a great hostess...

Ugh. This is it for me: the last two weeks of vacation. I am so tired I can't imagine being able to refuel in these last days so that I can start the year refreshed. I know that in part I am so tired because I'm depressed, but knowing why doesn't make me less tired. I also know it would help my energy level to get back to the gym and start WW again, but it hardly seems possible to do everything I need to do during these last two weeks AND try to bring up my energy level AND still feel like I'm "on vacation"...so I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed too. Maybe going back to work and having structure will be the best thing for me after all...but for now I want to whine about it....hope you don't mind.

It's rainy here today so I have been given an opportunity to tackle a project or two....let's see how it goes. D's daughter is coming for an overnight (dinner, shopping and a pool day) tomorrow to Wednesday, so that's a little extra motivation, but beyond getting guest-ready (those closets I told you about) all bets are off. I do have to take a drive out to school  this morning though, so I'm thinking that gives me a pass on all other intentions. No?

I'd love to chat again some night this week, so let me know what works for you. Other than tomorrow night, I should be free.

Thanks for such a positive post!

Love you,
Barb

Cannon Ball

Leaning tower of eggplant, heirloom tomatoes, tapanade & goat cheese...at The Pink Door!

Thanks for jumping in. I've been meaning to for days and find myself with not much to say, due to the fact that nothing was really happening around here.  Well, until Friday that is.

We got a call from C late Thursday night to tell us that J's mom had fallen and broken her knee. Unfortunately, C and the rest of the family were out of town on vacation (together) and had a six hour drive to return home in time to meet with the orthopedic surgeon Friday morning.  At 89, Mom won't hear a word the doctor says, but she'll nod her head anyway and won't ask any questions.  J decided to fly out Friday afternoon to help the family, so I skipped out on my shopping day with the girls and saw him off at the airport instead.  So far, the knee surgery went very well and recovery is going perfectly.  She's going into a rehab facility on Tuesday - after her sister's funeral, if you can believe that.  J's aunt died last Tuesday.  They're a little worried about depression but Mom seems to be doing well.

He'll be gone for a week then I may go back for a bit to help her out when she goes home.  If so...maybe you and I can put something together on my way home.   We'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted.

Friday, K, S and I had a day in the city planned to include a trip to Whole Foods, lunch at Cafe Flora (vegetarian heaven) and a stroll through Nordstrom and Macys at the mall.  As it turned out, JJ and I took J to the airport then I coerced him into going to Nordstrom anyway because I had to return some shoes.  We had such a good day after all - shoe shopping (we both got new shoes) Mexican food lunch and listening to the Comedy Channel, laughing our butts off, all the way home in the car.  I love my kid.  He's just fun with a capital F, and he makes me laugh like no one else. Sure, it's 8th grade boy humor, but it kills me.  He's at that age where he's really developing a sense of humor, using irony and sarcasm appropriately and knowing when and where to hit the punch line.  I love it.

Saturday morning, I had an unexpected visit to the city.  My high school friend, LC, who lives in Chicago, happened to be in town and since I was supposed to be in CT this week, I completely forgot she was going to be here.  Thursday, she posted a picture of herself in Seattle on FB which reminded me that I had never told her I wasn't leaving town.  Fortunately, in the midst of her busy week (they're here to celebrate her parents' 50th) she had a couple of hours yesterday to meet me for lunch at The Pink Door (!). Kind of a long story but we don't know each other very well at all (we weren't close in HS) other than through FBing the past couple of years.  I know FB gets a lot of flack, but we had developed a good enough rapport on line that we absolutely couldn't shut up the entire afternoon and I left feeling as though I had a brand new, dear friend.  The cool thing is that she's the one with whom I was planning to stay while in Chicago in October, so now I'm looking forward to my trip even more.  AND, her parents live in Scottsdale, and we are both going to be in AZ for Thanksgiving! So we're planning a get together there too.

Anyway, I had such an awesome time visiting with her and being in the city. I got home later in the afternoon and did absolutely nothing until about 5:00, when I whipped up a pasta salad for no reason at all (so unlike me, I don't know what happened!)  Around 6:30 S showed up with all the kids and the two of us bbq'd burgers and brats and drank an entire bottle of Trader Joe's Reserve Zin (yum!) on my back deck.  We sat out there talking until we were freezing (still not summer here) then came in and yakked until almost 11 with the boys running and yelling all around us.  I didn't even care that they were all over the furniture with guns and shoes on; I was having a moment of pure gratitude that I had good friends, healthy kids and such a good life.  It was a wonderful day.

Today, a baseball game with JJ and his buddy.  K&R are joining us, so that should be fun.  Too bad it's not warm, or sunny, but I'll be ok if the rain just holds out.

So how's that for jumping in?!

I hope you had a great weekend in Boston; we need to catch up on other stuff when you get home. Like, how is W doing? I have a pretty quiet week with J gone until Friday.

Talk to you soon,
Love you,
A

Take the Plunge!

Hey there!

I'm so glad we had a chance to catch up the other day (I think we were on the phone for 2 hours!); we certainly were out of touch. I hope we can move forward and stay in touch by writing a little more...please?...

I'm of to Boston this morning and will be home Sunday night. I don't know what you have going on this weekend, but it would be great to find a line or two here from you when I get back.

Have a good weekend.

Love,

Barb

PS This is the lemon rosemary chicken/Greek plate that I made for dinner the other night that I told you about.

Shame on Us!

June 28????....Really???...

Looks like we both need to sit down at the keyboard a little more often.

I'll attempt a better/more substantial post later, but for now just wanted to say hi, sorry I've been so out of touch and neglectful of our blog.

xo,
Barb