Baby Steps

Hey, Stranger.

Sorry I disappeared for awhile there.  The CKF is killing me - now double timing with baseball three days a week. Between all the running around and regular household stuff and just working part time I'm a little short on Me Time lately.  And way too tired to create it at 9:30 when everyone else gets out of my hair.  But...that will slow down on October 23 since baseball is a short season.  Then football ends on Nov 5 and we have NOTHING until spring football!  Yay!!

Again, it's 8:30 Sunday night and my uniform isn't ironed. Nor is my laundry done or JJ's lunch made.  But I couldn't go another day without writing, if only to tell you the highlight from this week.

M had some kind of breakdown, I think, on Monday.  He called me and we talked for almost two hours. During this time, he apologized for a lot of things, like "ruining our family" and making me think I was a bad parent.  Mostly, I think, he is kind of hitting rock bottom and realizing that living in your van isn't all that cool, really.  That his friends are loser stoners who don't really care about him, and that - imagine - his family really does.  He talked a lot about missing his dad and the guilt he carries around for having been so awful to him while he was alive.  He cried a lot.  Like, for the entire phone call.

He never asked to come home; he never asked for anything.  He just wanted to tell me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for having been "such an a*#*hole" all that time.  He told me he was tired of being so angry at everyone, that he didn't want to be that guy anymore.

He came over for his birthday on Tuesday and we had a really nice family dinner and hung out.  He cried more then, too, and told me how lonely he is.  He's trying to find an apartment but all of his "friends" have backed out on him, so now he's looking at a one-bedroom.  I'm not sure that's his best option, cost-wise (or regarding his mental health) but then again, he's probably better off without those people in the long run.

He's still the same old cantankerous, politically vocal and totally ignorant 19 year old kid.  He's still hell bent on living off the grid and bucking the system at every turn.  But you know what?  He has called me two or three times a day every day this week.  I've seen him four times.  He came to JJ's baseball game on Friday and stayed the entire game.  He texts me random I Love You's here and there.

I still worry that he's living in his van and choosing this sort of glamorized homelessness over what I would consider "a normal life".  But I'll take this for now: I'm sorry, Mom.

~ ~ ~ ~

Off to Las Vegas this weekend with the hood - twelve of us going for JD's 40th (Good Lord - someone still hasn't turned 40???)  I am very excited about getting out of town for a bit and this should be a gas.  Then, to Chicago just nine days after I get home! And for that trip, I'm even more excited.

This should make the first part of October fly by, then we start gearing up for the holidays.  Hmmmm...I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

How is everything with you?  Congratulations on the weight loss and better health.  It makes a huge difference, doesn't it?

I promise to get back to the page this week, although every day before we leave is jam packed with I don't even know what, between dentist appointments and Boosters stuff for Curriculum Night and a new  Foundation committee I was just asked to join for the Fire Department. Oh yea, and somewhere in there I'm getting the necessary mani-pedi, cut and color, and wax.

Love you,
A

Thinking about You

Hey there...

Just checking in to see how you're doing. You said in a text you didn't have a good weekend and I'm wondering what's up.

On my end, suddenly I'm "wicked busy" as our students would have said all those years ago, but I'm doing okay. I guess busy is good. I'm finally moving the scale in the right direction (lost five pounds since back to school) and I'm motivated to lose more now. Which works out..since I have 10 more to lose of the ones I gained just this spring and summer! ugh.

Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about me. Instead, it's me checking in on you. Hope you're okay.

Love you,
Barb

All Things Considered

Hi, Amanda.

My, how fast a paycheck gets spent when you haven't had one in a while...and you need toilet paper and plastic bags and all those things that you stocked up on--in preparation for not being paid for a while--but now need again. Thank goodness I have my mother's food hoarder instincts, which produced some TJs gyoza and an ahi tuna steak in my freezer. Who needs to go out for dinner when you can whip up a little Asian cucumber salad to go with said freezer treasures?...It's not a very pretty plate, but it was tasty. And I got to eat it wearing long pj pants and a long sleeve t-shirt while a pumpkin spice candle scented my house!!!

Finally summer broke this afternoon after a wicked rain storm. It was humid all day and another day in the eighties, but when I walked out of school after 3 it was so breezy and wonderful...I immediately 1) went to the store for a pumpkin spice candle and then 2) came home and turned off my AC and opened my windows. Then came the comfy clothes and eventually dinner....Now I'm looking forward to the forecast of a string of fall-like days.

That being said, even if I weren't watching my checkbook I probably still would have chosen to come home to snuggle into the idea of fall tonight. I'm ready. This weekend I'm pulling out the crock pot for Sunday football and next week I'm changing my toenail polish color. (Crazy, hu?) (Woo hoo! Don't stop me now!)

All things considered my week has been a good one. I've gotten to the gym and made good food choices so I'm feeling better physically, and I know that's half the battle (if not more). Hope your week has been a good one, too. I'm around if you have any time of from the cult of kid's football (let's call it CKF) to chat.

Love you,
Barb

(Just) Okay Here

Hey, Amanda.

Tell me: why the hell do I set all sorts of goals for myself when I go back to school? Why don't I know by now that just being back at school is a huge adjustment? I'm exhausted!...but still doing my best to get back to the gym and make better food choices so I can lose these pounds I recently found. It's torture. As if my metabolism hasn't been the bane of my existence heretofore, I swear it came to a screeching halt with (dare I say) peri-menopause. Holy crap.

If I were struggling only with my weight, I'd be okay. But I'm struggling with my job and trying to stay positive in light of all the administrative crap that keeps me from...er...teaching; I find myself missing D and crying when I least expect it; and this whole thing with W has me in a bit of a funk.

But otherwise I'm okay...

Hope you're okay too and that all is well since our last chat.

Love you,
Barb

Me Time, for a Minute

Hey Barb.

It's a quiet night around here tonight.  J was dispatched to a fire in eastern Oregon and JJ's at the high school football game with some friends.  (Hello?!? When did that happen?!)

So it's just me for a few hours ~ not complaining. Funny, though, I spent most of the time doing regular old stuff like laundry and watering plants and getting JJ's stuff ready for his game tomorrow morning.  You would think I would just sit down and read a good book, but no.  I kept thinking how nice it would be not to have to do all of that tomorrow when the weather is gorgeous and I want to just sit on my deck.

I would be looking forward to my week alone if it weren't for the cult of football and the fact that we're now double-timing it with baseball three days a week.  This actually gives me a bit of a break, since baseball goes from after school to 5 and football starts at 5:30.  So I don't even have to pick him up until 5; I move him to a different field, bring him some food and hang out until 8:15.  Sometimes I come home and go back, but I hate having to go out again once I'm home, you know? I just want to be here, in my pj's, comfy and  done for the day.

Anyway, we'll see how long this lasts, because I'm not sure how he's going to get his school work done.  We made a deal that the minute he has a missing assignment, or a bad grade, or can't get up in the morning, we're done with baseball.   Wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit, but on the other hand, I love that he wants to be so involved and stay active.  I wasn't going to let him go to the game tonight, since his game is at 8:00 tomorrow morning, but most of his team was going and he so wanted to be a part of the first high school game of the season...to get a taste of what it will feel like next fall, I think...how could I say no?  My child is living an entirely different middle school experience than I did and I'm so grateful. He has friends, and he plays sports and he belongs to something.  And he's still a nice kid.  I would suck if I didn't let him go to the game, wouldn't I?

With luck, he'll be home soon and we can get to bed at a decent hour.  My ability to get a good night's sleep has been getting worse over the past month or so, and I'm so exhausted.  At least we have nothing planned for the entire rest of the weekend except for a little clothes shopping for work and baseball.

I hope you had a great Friday night - steak night? What's up for the weekend? Like I said, I'll be around so let's try to catch up if you can.

Love you,
A

Productivity Overrides Phone Date

Sorry we never got to catch up today.  I took on one of my summer projects (on the last day of summer, how typical of me) but I actually did finish it.  I converted C's room into a game room for the kids, sort of.  What I really did was clean out the closet and take a trunkload of junk to the Goodwill.  Then I organized a bunch of JJ's crap into bins in this shelf thing, so at least now the room is useable.  I'd really like to put shelves and a couch in there eventually.  Wouldn't want to rush into anything, though :)

I ended up over at T&S's for ice cream and cake (for no reason in particular) and stayed much longer than I had planned.  It's time for bed now, but I thought I'd try to keep on this "roll" of getting to the page more often.

Did you get out to the pool today? I hope you enjoyed your last day of summer too.

And we're not letting this conversation about W go away.

Have a great Tuesday ~
Love you!
A

Farewell to Summer Fun

Wow, Amanda, you're on a roll! Love it...


I must admit I have never seen Overboard, but love that scene--not one in the movie, but the scene that played out in your living room with JJ. Awesome. And I love the post about your top 3 college moments. Next time we talk we should compare moments. (It strikes me that none of mine are related to my major or science while all (2?) of yours are related to yours...)

So today is the last day of the long weekend, the last unofficial day of summer, the last day my pool is open. It's cloudy out but I feel like I should go; even if not in my suit I feel like I should make a cocktail later and grab my chair and go relax for a few minutes poolside. Said cocktail would be the hair of the dog...

We had my cousin's surprise 25th anniversary party yesterday. It was fun, but I was anxious--it's the first time we were getting together since D passed away--so I drank a little more than I probably should have. Plus, I had a designated driver (my dad) so that was the extra push I really didn't need. Whatever. I so rarely get to let loose at a party, since I normally travel alone, and getting drunk by myself at home isn't really fun. Not that I was dancing on tables or anything: I just wasn't counting drinks, and every time someone at my table got up for a drink I had them get one for me too.

So taking a screwdriver out to the pool this morning sounds good. I have 40 more pages in the book I'm reading so that will be the goal. Another kiss of color would be great, but given the forecast pretty unlikely. If you're free and want to talk, give me a call on my cell.

Hope you're weekend has been good. Thanks for the text last night.

Love you,
Barb

He Gets it Too

So I’m watching  Overboard with Jack, wondering if he even gets the whole love story component of the movie, beyond the classic comedy scenes of Goldie Hawn in  the water barrel.  I so want him to understand, to know that this is one of my all-time favorite love stories EVER, but you can’t tell your kids that, they have to learn it on their own.

And then, at the end, when Goldie Hawn is on the yacht and Kurt Russell is on the Coast Guard boat, and they’re about to reunite….but then there’s a coast guard emergency and they have to turn back…the Coast Guard boat starts to turn away, and there I am, seeing this scene for the umpteenth time, narrating every word in my head, tears are streaming down my face again, and Kurt Russell is on the bow of the boat, yelling at Goldie Hawn, and they’re on the verge of losing each other forever, what does my 13 year old kid yell at the TV?

Jump, Dude! Just jump!

If all my parenting mistakes could be erased in one moment, they just were.

If All of College Came Down to This

1. The first live book reading I ever attended was during my junior year at U of O.  It was held in a conference room in some admin building and I went alone, on the recommendation of a professor, never having heard of the author.  His name was Al Young and the book he was reading from was Bodies and Soul, a collection of musical memoirs.  He connected music to literature in a way I understood so thoroughly.  I thought he was brilliant. The experience hooked me forever on reading, writing, and being in  the company of readers and writers whenever possible.

2. The most powerful and beautiful novel I have ever read was The Hotel New Hampshire. I read it at a time when my direction in life/college was unclear and my relationships were uncertain. It changed the way I thought about family, death, diversity and courage.  I think it was the moment I knew I was a true reader of literature, that I get it, that I can read into writers' hearts.  It is one of the gifts for which I am most grateful in my life.

3.  In my senior year, I was short a few 400 level history credits.  My choices were limited by time and my own self-confidence, believing that I couldn't possibly pass an upper lever history course.  I signed up for something like 15th Century Western European Feudalism: Leadership in the Middle Ages.  Who knows what it was really called, but I swear it was that specifically complicated and dry sounding. There were only twelve people in the class and we met like a small book club.  There was a crap load of reading.  It ended up being the most fascinating - and the most challenging - class I ever took.  I learned about things no one will ever care that I know today, but I care.  It is one of the life experiences upon which I draw for battle when that awful voice in the back of my head says, I'm not smart enough.  I got an A, and it made me believe anything was possible.

xo,
A

Note to Self

Just a reminder...I'm going to write about my three memories of college that shaped me into the person I am today.

I loved our conversation this afternoon - would love to continue it over the weekend.

Love you,
A

Really?!

Dear Barb,

What a bust! I was all psyched up this morning to get to the doctor and have her magically fix all my problems (kidding), but after sitting in the room for half an hour, the MA came in and told me that my doc had overslept.  I had the option to reschedule for late this afternoon, but it's too far to go home and back again, so I declined.  For whatever reason that I didn't think to ask at the time, because asserting myself is not one of my stronger points, I'M the one who had to reschedule, since her 10:30 was already there and waiting.  Why didn't her 10:30 have to reschedule?  Why didn't I ask that?

I got in my car and felt like crying, but decided it was a stupid reason to cry.  I have an appt next Thursday.  Not a big deal. Only, MC would say I should have cried.  Yesterday, we talked about how I'm becoming my mother with the "everything is just fine" attitude I project to the world.  How I don't release emotions normally or regularly in a healthy way, so I end up having major meltdowns that seem irrational, or sobbing uncontrollably during Chevy commercials.   I'm supposed to practice feeling when I feel.

Uh huh.  I just can't figure out if crying over a cancelled appointment is "normal".

Mostly, I just felt let down and I don't really want to go all the way back out there next week to deal with this. MC suggested very subtly that I might try to quit drinking and see if it helps.  That freaks me out, but I know she's right.  I feel a gazillion times better when I don't drink.  Maybe I should just try to manage this myself and stop looking to a bunch of "medical professionals" to drug me up with super cures.

I took the day off to make this appointment, so I'm meeting K in a bit to go for a walk.  It's gorgeous and sunny out, so I'm sure that will make me feel a whole lot better.  We have no plans for the weekend at all; in a way, I'm ok with that.  On the other hand, sitting around here for three days with my husband/roommate (that doesn't even require an explanation, does it?) isn't all that appealing. There might be a couple of chick flicks and some extra buttered popcorn in my plans.

I hope your first week of school finished well and that you're ready for the year to come.  Hope to hear your voice this afternoon...

Love you,
A