Baby Steps

Hey, Stranger.

Sorry I disappeared for awhile there.  The CKF is killing me - now double timing with baseball three days a week. Between all the running around and regular household stuff and just working part time I'm a little short on Me Time lately.  And way too tired to create it at 9:30 when everyone else gets out of my hair.  But...that will slow down on October 23 since baseball is a short season.  Then football ends on Nov 5 and we have NOTHING until spring football!  Yay!!

Again, it's 8:30 Sunday night and my uniform isn't ironed. Nor is my laundry done or JJ's lunch made.  But I couldn't go another day without writing, if only to tell you the highlight from this week.

M had some kind of breakdown, I think, on Monday.  He called me and we talked for almost two hours. During this time, he apologized for a lot of things, like "ruining our family" and making me think I was a bad parent.  Mostly, I think, he is kind of hitting rock bottom and realizing that living in your van isn't all that cool, really.  That his friends are loser stoners who don't really care about him, and that - imagine - his family really does.  He talked a lot about missing his dad and the guilt he carries around for having been so awful to him while he was alive.  He cried a lot.  Like, for the entire phone call.

He never asked to come home; he never asked for anything.  He just wanted to tell me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for having been "such an a*#*hole" all that time.  He told me he was tired of being so angry at everyone, that he didn't want to be that guy anymore.

He came over for his birthday on Tuesday and we had a really nice family dinner and hung out.  He cried more then, too, and told me how lonely he is.  He's trying to find an apartment but all of his "friends" have backed out on him, so now he's looking at a one-bedroom.  I'm not sure that's his best option, cost-wise (or regarding his mental health) but then again, he's probably better off without those people in the long run.

He's still the same old cantankerous, politically vocal and totally ignorant 19 year old kid.  He's still hell bent on living off the grid and bucking the system at every turn.  But you know what?  He has called me two or three times a day every day this week.  I've seen him four times.  He came to JJ's baseball game on Friday and stayed the entire game.  He texts me random I Love You's here and there.

I still worry that he's living in his van and choosing this sort of glamorized homelessness over what I would consider "a normal life".  But I'll take this for now: I'm sorry, Mom.

~ ~ ~ ~

Off to Las Vegas this weekend with the hood - twelve of us going for JD's 40th (Good Lord - someone still hasn't turned 40???)  I am very excited about getting out of town for a bit and this should be a gas.  Then, to Chicago just nine days after I get home! And for that trip, I'm even more excited.

This should make the first part of October fly by, then we start gearing up for the holidays.  Hmmmm...I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

How is everything with you?  Congratulations on the weight loss and better health.  It makes a huge difference, doesn't it?

I promise to get back to the page this week, although every day before we leave is jam packed with I don't even know what, between dentist appointments and Boosters stuff for Curriculum Night and a new  Foundation committee I was just asked to join for the Fire Department. Oh yea, and somewhere in there I'm getting the necessary mani-pedi, cut and color, and wax.

Love you,
A