It's Only Tuesday??

Hey,

Sorry I've been absent. I've been kind of dragging, myself. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I've had a cough since before Christmas, which is starting to really annoy me, and the past few days I've had an upset stomach that I can't seem to shake.  On top of it, I'm dog tired all day long.  I even got up and went to the gym yesterday before work, but managed to sleep from 2 to 4 in the afternoon anyway.  This week is another busy one and I'd be much less stressed if I had some energy.

I wish I had left myself more time to write this morning, but I couldn't get out of bed :( So here is my quick morning "hello"; I would love to catch up on the phone this week.  I have a half-assed plan to go to the city on a necessary errand tomorrow at lunch time, which is a 45 minute drive.  I'll try you then if I actually make the trip.

Glad to hear you're feeling better ~
Love,
A

Perfect Storm

I suppose it was the perfect storm: losing a night's sleep, stress at school, and my semi-annual period. I ended up getting sick...Friday I could feel I was coming down with something. I had that prickly-tight feeling in my chest and a sore throat and I felt achy. I felt worse Saturday than Friday; Sunday worse than Saturday. I ended up taking today off and I'm glad I did. The extra rest did me good, I think; I am finally on the mend. Too bad I'll be in correcting hell for the rest of the week. At least I've caught up on my sleep.

I'm looking forward to this weekend with W but am also a little nervous. This is the first time in months he'll be in my neck of the woods and it seems everything has changed in a very short time. So much to think about, so much to worry about, I imagine it will be a bittersweet weekend. But it's something I'd rather talk about than write about...if not before, then after.

I know C is around this week so if you don't have time to chat, I'll be sure to touch base with you after.

Hope all is well for you.
Love,
Barb

Dragging

This has been a looooong week. No holidays, no sick days, no snow days, and I started the week at a sleep deficit because of the craziness with my neighbors Saturday night. I pretty much slept only four hours that night, and they were not four good, solid hours of sleep. Two hours in I woke up strobing; the other two I lay there in tired dread. I had a terrible migraine on Sunday, the excitement of the game, and then the week started--despite it all.

My saving grace was midterm exams. By yesterday I was out of gas (did I mention I also have my period?) but at least I didn't have to teach. All I had to do to get through the day was proctor an exam. I had dinner plans with C that I was inclined to cancel, but didn't. I came home and rested, and we went out after all and I survived. Now I just have to drag my ass upstairs to get dressed and out the door one more time. Two exams today, then pizza for lunch, then I'm going to guess a big, fat nap is in my future. May as well take advantage of the lull of the rain today (which is making it even harder to get going) and nap to it this afternoon. I have Chinese food in the fridge (I mentioned I have my period, right?) from the other night, so I think I may skip my Friday night steak dinner tradition and stay comfy cozy once I get there.

For now though, I’m off and dragging…

Love,
Barb

Good morning, Barb.

I hope your week hasn't been too awful with midterms; I do remember all the correcting :(  I know it's different from a parent's perspective, but I feel like this school year is just flying by.  I hope, at least, that you are feeling a little momentum on the downward slide.

We lost our power again Tuesday night, for about 12 hours.  Fortunately, we were asleep for most it, but we did have a horrific windstorm that was loud and scary.  Since all the trees had been compromised by the ice, there was a lot of concern about what would fall during Phase Two of StormWatch 2012. Some places had much more damage than others, and some got away with nothing.  We were extremely lucky and only lost minor branches from two trees.  SA and K lost major parts of gorgeous trees, but the worst was a guy down my street who had a pretty good size pine tree come up out of the ground, roots and all, and crash about two feet from the front of his house.  Crazy.

The kids didn't have school, but my office was in a little pocket of power, so at least I wasn't cooped up in the house all day.  Anyway, enough about the weather.  We're all pretty sick of it right now.

This week has been busy, as I expected. I really liked the yoga class we took on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to going back tonight. I slept like a rock. This weekend we have the beginning of flag football, a 50th birthday party and some other stuff not that fun.  But, I did get all my new bedding, so RP is going to come over and help me start my new room. Yay!

Hoping you have a fun weekend planned and that the rest of this week goes smoothly,
A
xoxo

YAY!

Yep, pretty exciting!…although I’ll be a wreck for two weeks. We had better win, because I’m not sure there’s a fate worse than losing to the Giants--of all teams. Still, I suppose I have to respect your decision to root for the enemy…;-)

Glad you can get back to normal this week, though it sounds like you’ll be busy. Funny how every once in a while Mother Nature reminds us she’s really the one in charge, isn’t it? But for all the inconvenience of it, at least you’re all okay. My father said, in the middle of our snow crises, Still better than the old country. True, that, Dad. True, that.

We have midterms coming up at the end of the week so we’re at the half year point. Guess I can make it through this one after all…Lots of correcting to do, of course, because I still haven’t learned. Or I’ve learned and still do it anyway. Like drinking too much red wine on a Sunday night. If you know what I mean. ;-)

Have a good week.

Love,
Barb

XLVI :)

Happy Monday, and congrats on the big win today! Sorry, but I'll have to be cheering for the Gs since J's sister, D, was their biggest fan.  Not that I was on their side today, mind you.

Power is back on here and so far, so good.  We've had no flooding, so hopefully the worst of it is over.  I have a busy week ahead with appointments in the afternoons.  K and I signed up for a yoga class two nights a week, and that starts Tuesday.  Friday, C arrives for the weekend then heads down to Corvallis to work for a couple of weeks before coming back up here for JJ's birthday.  She's leaving her dog with us; that was my idea because, evidently, I am out of my right mind.

I had a pretty good weekend and now am ready for a "normal" week with everyone back in school and life restored as we know it.

Love you,
A

A Good Mood Kind of Day

Barb,

You're really challenging me, here.  Immediate response the following morning?  :)

Today was a good day.  We had very few staff and almost all of our patients.  This made for a busy and fun (if a little stressful) morning that flew by.  I got to and from work just fine in what a Los Angeles news station referred to as "Snowmageddon".  I laughed my ass off when JB texted that to me; clearly, they have never been east of the Rockies.  My trusty little Prius served me well.

I spent the afternoon dinking around on Pinterest and Houzz (since I'm obsessed with the decorating project) and on the phone with my new interior designer.  This is kind of funny, really: my friend/neighbor, RP, (who is actually very good friends with SA, and lives across the street from CC and BroJ but has managed to avoid them for the past seven years - on purpose) put out a little note on FB a few weeks ago.  She's ready to go back to work now that her boys are in school. She asked for career suggestions and was instantly barraged with replies that she ought  to get into interior decorating.  Somewhere in the discussion, she asked "Who would hire me?" at which point, I became her first "client".   She's very fun and eclectic, and she's a stellar bargain shopper (which I am definitely not).  I chose a $400 rug for JJ's game room and she dismissed me before I could even show her the picture.  Apparently, she's capable of finding the same thing for a quarter of the price.  Sweet!

When JJ and his buddies got bored with the snow (and they were soaked to the bone) I made popcorn and sat with them to watch some horrific teenage-boy movie, the title of which I immediately erased from my mind. It involved much shooting and girls in Spandex.  Still, it was fun to spend a couple of hours with them, not minding me being there.  I'll take what I can get.

I'm heading to bed now...before midnight tonight.  Still struggling with a cough and not feeling 100% well from my pre-Christmas cold.  Hope you're week is going well too!

Love you,
A

On the Lookout

Hey, A.

Winter is finally coming around to these parts (we had a delay yesterday), but it seems like we keep alternating between arctic blast and mild weather, with not a lot of precipitation in between. That’s okay, though. I’m kind of over wishing for snow days as I have moved onto making them myself. That is, gone are the days of playing martyr and suffering through a day with a migraine. Why bother? No one gives you a gold star and, moreover, I have 120 unused snow days in the bank. And if I leave them there when I retire they will pay me $30 per day—for up to 100 of them. Anyway.

Glad it’s already Wednesday…I’m taking the kids (well, M’s kids) out to dinner tonight. Tomorrow I have a big meeting after school, and then it’ll be Friday. Woo hoo. Big game (Go, Pats!) this weekend and nothing else planned. Next week we start midterms and you know what that means. I feel like I’m wishing my life away here, but this has been one of my worst school years yet, so yeah, we can move right along without looking back. As long as I get some stories along the way. ;-)

Hope you’re week is going well and that you’re surviving Winter Storm 2012!

Love,
Barb

PS I know I am queen of Honor Thyself, but I also feel like there was a little honoring of D that I didn’t do…and I felt bad. But I’m better now. P didn’t finish and there will be other opportunities for me to help.

New Year, New Colors

Hey, you.

My friend, don't be so hard on yourself.  Remember that whole "honor yourself" credo by which we strive to live.

Like when I uninvited my own son to Christmas dinner.  It didn't make me a bad mom, it just meant I was honoring myself.  Even on Christmas Day.

Even on a day the family might have expected you to be there, you honored you.  I'm proud of you.

It's late and I've been up way past my bedtime too many nights in a row.  We're on Snow Day #2 tomorrow and I keep thinking I don't have to get up, since JJ doesn't.  Wrong! I'm pretty wiped out tonight but had dinner with the girls earlier then spent some time with my boys when I got home. It's already after 11 and I better check out.

Nothing new going on around here ~~  other than Storm Watch Whatever-Year-It-Is ~~ good Lord, we might get some icy roads. Maybe.  We should probably shut down the state, just to be safe.

On the upside, I am embarking on a redecoration project so I've been having fun getting ideas and doing a tiny bit of online shopping.  Bought a quilt for my room today - - moving from rustic reds to ice blues and silvers. Very excited.

More later,
Love you!
A

Regrets

Ugh. I feel like a wimp/loser/jerk...despite JJ's kind words and my friends' encouragement, I just couldn't go over and help clean out the condo. I knew I was emotionally volatile and didn't think that going over and blubbering was going to be any help. So I sent a text that I wasn't able to lend a hand after all...And now I feel terrible about it. What complicates matters is that I'm having lunch today with D's sister, the aunt P didn't want to help. She trusted me more to be there and I didn't have the character to show. And this afternoon I can't even mention it (so that she won't be offended that she wasn't invited to join). I know I need to let it go, and I will eventually, but today I feel like a bit of a heel.

I think what I am most looking forward to this weekend is tomorrow, that extra day I have with no commitments, no place to get to by noon, no one to disappoint by honoring myself. Tomorrow will be my Sunday on Monday: bacon and eggs for brunch with a screwdriver or two in my sweats all day. Maybe I'll cook; maybe I'll play Words with Friends all day. I hope to write a little and clean a little, and a nap is not out of the question. Can't wait.

Hope your weekend has been good...

You're it!

Love you,
Barb

Testing

Hey, Amanda.

Me on my new toy here...Great talking to you just now. Hope you and JJ have fun at the gym. Promise to write more over the weekend, for now just wanted to figure this out and say hey.

Love you!
Barb

Moving On or Trying My Best

Dear Barb,

I get the moving along part.  I really do.  Why does the crap have to continue though?

Another crummy day with M. When he came over to pack some things, I spent a half an hour fighting with him before asking him to leave the house. Then, I cried for a half an hour before sleeping on the couch until JJ got home from school.

Stellar day.

You know what, though? I had a Booster's Meeting tonight at my house and I was racking my brain to find a way to get out of it.  Of course, at that short notice, I couldn't.  But by the time the eight women on my committee for the Middle School Auction left at 9:00 this evening, I felt a lot better.  I had spent some time being purposeful, helping others and generally in good company.  There is a lot to be said for girlfriends, even those who have no idea how I spent the afternoon.

Tomorrow: waking up with positive energy.

Love you ~

A

Done. Moving Right Along.

I’d say we could both use a Christmas do-over, but I’d rather just keep moving forward now that it’s done. That is to say my Christmas wasn’t very good either. Once I cried I couldn’t stop. For very long anyway. I had my moment on Christmas Eve then pulled it together. I left early (because it was getting harder with each moment to keep it together) and as soon as I got in the car it was water works. I almost got in an accident because I couldn’t see straight. I got home and cried some more.

Then Christmas morning, I started all over again. I’d stop, then J called and I cried all over. When we hung up I thought I was done. Until my cousin L, one of D’s sisters, called from California and we cried together for an hour. I was close to calling in a migraine and staying home, but I knew I needed to be with my family—despite the fact that there wouldn’t be much conversation about it. D’s death, her absence would be the elephant in the room.

I took an hour after my shower to lie down with cucumber slices and a wash cloth full of ice cubes on my eyes, but I still looked like crap. And I didn’t make it through the day without crying again. But I managed to have fun. Vodka helped.

All the while W was in the hospital.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

Sounds like you’ve found a way to bounce back/refocus after your Christmas with your parents’ video. I think it’s awesome that you have something like that. (And don’t worry; I know what you meant about being tired of being a mom.) Use it as a tool.

I’m bouncing back, slowly but surely, too. Trying to focus on positive energy and affect change. I’m trying to get in balance again, do more visualization and some meditation. I even started reading a new (for me), new age spirituality book. It seems to be helping.

And I’ m back to counting WW points, too, but not where I should be, not where I was back in October or November. That too, will come.

So praise to us both for trying to feel better this year, for finding solace in each other, and making our way back to the page.

Love,
Barb

Lifting up... a little

Just so you aren't worried that I'm going to appear on some episode of 20/20 as That Mom - the one no one thought was capable of leaving her kids and running off with the plumber - turns out that half bottle of Cab wasn't such a bad thing. 

Did I ever tell you that I made a video of pictures of my parents for their 50th party? I'm no artist when it comes to that sort of thing, but I thought I kicked a** with this project.  Perhaps I even shared it with you; I don't remember. For anyone who didn't know my parents well, it wouldn't have meant much.

Months before the party, I had asked my dad to send me some pictures of their lives together.  In response, he sent me over four thousand pictures on discs that he had scanned and downloaded from albums my mother and grandmother had kept meticulously for generations.  It took me forever to go through them all and I was a little peeved that he couldn't have just sent me fifty choice picks and saved me the time.  He is retired, for Pete's sake.

As you can imagine, the sorting was a journey through time that not only turned my heart but ended up being an invaluable piece in creating what I wanted to present as my own, personal tribute to my mom and dad.

As I played around on my brand new Mac (at the time), taking classes and reading online tutorials back to back late into the night to learn what I was doing, I chose music that represented the life I imagined they had led for fifty years together. After all, I hadn't been there since the beginning.  Much of this would be the love story I made up in my head. I went from Micheal Buble to Meatloaf and back again, obsessed with creating something by which my parents would be touched, of which my grandmother would have been proud.

I read somewhere that music videos need to be limited to less than seven minutes.  Audiences lose interest when they head towards eight.  I had 4,000 + memories; how was I supposed to reduce that to seven minutes? Seriously, I put days into this. Nights, even.  This was the sort of thing that Bro J would normally have rocked with very little effort, but since he had chosen to be loudly not present, I couldn't just let it go.  In true fashion, I finished it the night before the party.  I was terrified that, at 11+ minutes, the entire party would come to a sleeping halt before we even served dessert.

No one saw it beforehand, not even J.  When the DJ started it up, and I heard the opening lines of  "I Got You, Babe", I knew it was going to be perfect.

Weeks after the party, my dad called and asked me if he could get a copy of it on a disc so he could share it with some friends who had been unable to attend the party.  Later, he asked for another copy, to send to friends in Australia.  Later, another.  He didn't have a copy of his own to watch whenever he wanted.

The thing is, it wasn't about my parents loving it (although, I must say, that was pretty awesome).  I did it because it was the only true way I could honor them.  The party, the cost of the food, the cloth napkins...those things had nothing to do with the gratitude I felt.  How do you thank people who stuck with you when you were the biggest pain in the ass? Who kept at you, kept trying, kept believing?  People who lost sleep, gave up, then tried again? People whose hearts you have broken again and again, who never walked away?

From time to time, I sit and watch my tribute video, because I like the songs I chose.  I love the pictures of my parents and the memories of my past. Tonight, as I sat here feeling sorry for myself (My kids aren't perfect! Poor me!), I poured the last of my bottle of red and pulled it up on the screen.

In eleven minutes, I remembered every moment I caused my mom to want to run away with the plumber, every time my dad wanted to quit his job and disappear as a statistic. And I thought,  how blessed am I, to lead the beautiful life I lead today? How did I get here?


Because of them, I guess.

So when I tell you I'm tired of being a Mom, I want you to know what I mean: just today, that's all.

Debbie Downer

Hey,

You're probably going to regret nudging me to the page, but if I don't at least write a little, it will probably never happen.  I'm not doing very well lately, and writing is close to the last thing on my list of things I want to do with my free time.

Our Christmas was pretty awful, to tell you the truth.  I'm sure I told you what a d*** M was, and how C and her boyfriend competed with him for Who Made the Family Holiday More Miserable.  Not sure who won, but the three of them put up a good fight.  I still haven't spoken to my brother since before Thanksgiving, even though my mother suspiciously sent their presents to our house and theirs to ours; how passive-aggressive is that?! As it turned out, CC was the braver (bigger?) person and brought our gifts over. Fortunately, I wasn't home and J dealt with her graciously.  My mother: "Oh my goodness! How did that happen?" Really. Mom.

I'm so glad the holidays are over, and things with C are smoothed out, but things still aren't going well with M.  He finally got an apartment and is living with his skank-a$$ girlfriend somewhere north of here.  I imagine he paid for 6 month's rent (or I hope he did) because he still doesn't have a job.  She doesn't work either; they both dropped out of high school. They're still floating on death money and who knows how long that will last.  It has been seven months since he moved out and I have finally hit a wall with his room being jam-packed with all of his crap. As a result, we're fighting more, seeing each other less and generally swimming around in tension.  I am trying to figure out how to give him an ultimatum on getting his room cleaned out, without causing a massive blow-up.  It's easier to drink.

Most recently, we've also been having some issues with JJ at school, which are now starting to escalate.  I have him enrolled in an after-school program at Sylvan but it doesn't seem to be helping.  He's still many, many assignments behind in several classes and now, refuses to even do his homework.  He has no privileges at all left - TV, video games, friends, computer - it's all gone.  When it came down to registering for spring football,  he told us he didn't care if he didn't play.  He said he'd rather not play ball than do school work.

I'm tired of always being angry and disappointed. I'm exhausted from worrying and imagining the worst in my kids' futures.  The only person I do get along with is J, for which, I know, I should be grateful.  But I can hardly be appreciative when I'm so busy crying.

Pathetic, huh?  Doesn't motivate me much to write.

I went back to WW tonight, thinking that maybe this will help me focus a little more on me and the things I need, instead of the idiotic choices my boys are making.  But as soon as I got home, I got into it with M on the phone, then with JJ about homework, and now I'm halfway into a bottle of cabernet.

I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but today, I'm tired of being a mom, B.  I know it will change; it always does. This is temporary and things will get better again.  But right now, I would love to just get in my car and head towards somewhere warm and quiet.

So that's me...back at the page.

Love you,
 A

Happy New Year!

So what d'ya say, Amanda, we turn over a new leaf in the new year and try to get to the screen more often? I miss checking in here to find out what's going on with you; I miss having a place to say I hate my job or I just made the best dinner ever--and that's what's getting me by till my next miserable day at school. (That and the glass bottle of wine that goes with it, usually.)

But really, I am trying to reprogram myself, and open myself up to the possibility of other possibilities this year. I'm trying to do affirming meditations and get in a better place. I got a new book and pulled out some old ones and I'm trying to be productive with my thoughts, trying to journal again as well. I'd love to keep you apprised of my progress if you'd be willing to shoot me back some progress notes of your own.

Let me know if you're up for the New Year challenge.

Love,
Barb