Debbie Downer

Hey,

You're probably going to regret nudging me to the page, but if I don't at least write a little, it will probably never happen.  I'm not doing very well lately, and writing is close to the last thing on my list of things I want to do with my free time.

Our Christmas was pretty awful, to tell you the truth.  I'm sure I told you what a d*** M was, and how C and her boyfriend competed with him for Who Made the Family Holiday More Miserable.  Not sure who won, but the three of them put up a good fight.  I still haven't spoken to my brother since before Thanksgiving, even though my mother suspiciously sent their presents to our house and theirs to ours; how passive-aggressive is that?! As it turned out, CC was the braver (bigger?) person and brought our gifts over. Fortunately, I wasn't home and J dealt with her graciously.  My mother: "Oh my goodness! How did that happen?" Really. Mom.

I'm so glad the holidays are over, and things with C are smoothed out, but things still aren't going well with M.  He finally got an apartment and is living with his skank-a$$ girlfriend somewhere north of here.  I imagine he paid for 6 month's rent (or I hope he did) because he still doesn't have a job.  She doesn't work either; they both dropped out of high school. They're still floating on death money and who knows how long that will last.  It has been seven months since he moved out and I have finally hit a wall with his room being jam-packed with all of his crap. As a result, we're fighting more, seeing each other less and generally swimming around in tension.  I am trying to figure out how to give him an ultimatum on getting his room cleaned out, without causing a massive blow-up.  It's easier to drink.

Most recently, we've also been having some issues with JJ at school, which are now starting to escalate.  I have him enrolled in an after-school program at Sylvan but it doesn't seem to be helping.  He's still many, many assignments behind in several classes and now, refuses to even do his homework.  He has no privileges at all left - TV, video games, friends, computer - it's all gone.  When it came down to registering for spring football,  he told us he didn't care if he didn't play.  He said he'd rather not play ball than do school work.

I'm tired of always being angry and disappointed. I'm exhausted from worrying and imagining the worst in my kids' futures.  The only person I do get along with is J, for which, I know, I should be grateful.  But I can hardly be appreciative when I'm so busy crying.

Pathetic, huh?  Doesn't motivate me much to write.

I went back to WW tonight, thinking that maybe this will help me focus a little more on me and the things I need, instead of the idiotic choices my boys are making.  But as soon as I got home, I got into it with M on the phone, then with JJ about homework, and now I'm halfway into a bottle of cabernet.

I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but today, I'm tired of being a mom, B.  I know it will change; it always does. This is temporary and things will get better again.  But right now, I would love to just get in my car and head towards somewhere warm and quiet.

So that's me...back at the page.

Love you,
 A