Hey you,
I'm so glad you wrote tonight, even though I haven't written since Monday. I haven't been able to conjure up any worthwhile thoughts and C just left last night anyway. So thanks for keeping up when I wasn't. Even when I don't write, I log on hoping that you did.
I'm sure I've had the too-tired-for-wine nights, but tonight ain't one of them. I actually just drove to the store to get a bottle of Bogle Old Vine Zin, just to sit here and write. I had no wine in the house - weird, I know - and forgot to go to the store today. So here I am...I have maybe 45 minutes of house silence before the boys come back from football.
I'm happy for you that your house is guest-ready; doesn't it feel good? I am on a clean-out spree these past couple of weeks -today was my closet. I tossed out two more huge garbage bags of clothes and shoes, leaving only things in my closet that actually currently fit me. Let's just say there's a lot of extra room in there now. I kept a few things that are sort of timeless - a couple of dressy tops, a cocktail dress and some nice pants - in the event that I do lose weight and am not able to buy that entirely new wardrobe. But I put those things in C's closet and dresser, hoping that not having to filter through 40 items to find the three that fit will lessen the trauma of getting dressed somewhat. Obviously, I don't have much to choose from now, but I think the absence of that visual admonishment will help. That's my theory anyway. I chucked a bunch of cheap shoes too - I hate cheap shoes. I buy them because sometimes they're really cute, but in the end, they're never comfortable and they don't wear well. I got rid of so much crap, setting aside my Steve Maddens and BCBGs and Naughty Monkeys (in their original boxes) to remind myelf that I love great, sexy shoes, and that I can still wear them.
It was a project but it felt good. Again, lighter. I'm still shedding the weight and it's doing me a world of good. Not to mention just getting those things done, things that I have been meaning to do for years, literally, feels productive. I didn't do much else though; once I was done with that, I felt listless and bored and tired.
I spent a good deal of time on the internet looking up the Rave Culture. This is supposedly what M is into. I can't make much sense of it in real life terms...there's a lot of talk about Ecstasy and these weird spiritual dances, but who knows how much of all of that he's actually doing? I lost sleep last night worrying about him though. I think I'm probably over-analyzing and over reacting, but still, he scares me. It's not that he might be into drugs or that he might be sexually active or whatever thing that normal parents worry about. What bothers me the most is his distance and his strong will to not spend any time with us at all.
Normal, you say. What teenager doesn't act that way? And here's where I think yeah, don't be ridiculous. This is normal. It's a phase. You'll get through it. But Barb, I just can't see what the other side might look like. He's not a normal kid, in any real way. He's not into school or sports or music or drama or anything...he has no aspirations anymore to go to college. He says he wants to go to a trade school and become a tatoo artist or a mechanic or something. He hangs out with kids I can't stand - they're nice enough, but they're total trailer trash. (And not the kind of trash that rises above his/her lot in life to become a brain surgeon.) I was about to apologize for my prejudism there, but f**k it. You know me. Part of me is so proud that he's open minded and tolerant and has a diverse group of friends...the rest of me is just losing my mind, thinking what the f**k makes you want to hang out with kids like that? I don't expect him to befriend the cheerleaders or the band geeks, by any means. But he's so smart!!! Why would he waste this on a flippin' trade school?? (Could I sound more like Big E?) He still does all his homework and is keeping his grades up, but he's not interested in normal things. Like getting his driver's license, or getting a job.
I remember those moms at parent conferences who would sit there, helpless, while I told them that their kids were losers (I used more appropriate vocabulary, I think). They'd say things like "I just don't know what to do." and I'd sit there all judgmental, thinking This will never be me. I've got a handle on my kid. But now I feel like one of them. I don't know how to talk to him, how to get close to him. I don't know how to find out what he's thinking. And this inability of mine is perfectly ok with him. He'd be happy if I just disappeared; I truly believe that. Well, J and me both.
Again, I think I'm over-reacting. I think maybe this is the most common thing among mothers - the beginning of the letting go. It's horrible. It makes me sad and lonely and scared for me and for him. It makes me wonder what our relationship will be in the future? I'm used to having children, you know? I'm used to raising kids and being with them and being there for them. Then all of a sudden they start to not need me? What do I do with that? I never thought I'd be this kind of mom, this mom who can't let her kids grow up and can't have a life without them or an identity without being a mother.
But here I am. I'm that mom. I can't even think about what's going to happen when JJ gets into highschool. Maybe he won't be so mean or so difficult (I'm sure he won't) but he's going to let go too. What am I supposed to do then? I really don't know who I am if I'm not parenting. I'm certainly not a wife in the true sense of the word, as in friend. I'm a good wife - I keep my house clean and the laundry done and the errands run...I have sex often enough not to cause too much tension. But I'm not friends with J. Before I know it, it's going to just be the two of us, and what am I going to do then? Who am I going to talk to?
I didn't want to become this person. I read back over that paragraph and I sound pathetic. But it's true, so I'll let it stand. I really don't have a strong identity without my boys, even though I haven't been that all-consumed, kids-come-first-no-matter-what mom, ever. I've never been indulgent or overly close to my kids. I think I've just been normal. So how come, then, do I feel like I'm going to be totally empty when they leave?
My 45 minutes is here - they should be coming in the door any minute now. I don't want to have to cut out in the middle of a sentence, so I'm going to sign off on that unfinished downturn. I'll try to write more in the morning before I head out for lunch with KB (new in town). Thanks for the room to heal.
Love you! A
PS - I just proofread this and I'm now I'm a blubbering mess. I need new meds. ;-)
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